SCENE1A CONFERENCE CENTRE AFTER A MASSACRE.THE WALLS ARE SPLATTERED WITH JAM, CUSTARD AND BLOOD.ONE HALF OF THE ROOM IS FULL OF REDNECKS WITH SMOKING GUNS COVERED IN JAM, CREAM AND CUSTARD.THE OTHER HALF OF THE ROOM LOOK LIFE CHEFS THEY ARE ALL DEAD WITH MULTIPLE GUNSHOT WOUNDS.
SCENE2
SOOTYJ IS EXPLAINING HIMSELF TO SEVERAL UNSYMPATHETIC LOOKING POLICE OFFICERS.
HE HAS TWO SIGNS
SIGN 1 "The national trifle association annual bunfight.
"SIGN 2"The national rifle association annual gunfight."
THE MANAGER OF DUDLEY ZOO IS TALKING TO LORD ALAN SUGAR WHO IS FLANKED BY NICK AND MARGARET
MANAGER
Sir Alan you're offer of a massive donation could save Dudley Zoo from closing...
ALAN
Oi mush I'm Lord Alan now.
MANAGER
Lord Alan.
ALAN
I'm still a sir you arse nugget.
MANAGER
Lord Sir Alan thank you for your most generous gift. How can we show our gratitude? A plaque? Maybe you want to feed the elephants?
ALAN
I want to beat a chimpanzee to death with a baseball bat.
MANAGER
I beg your pardon you want to beat one of our chimpanzees to death with a baseball bat?
ALAN
You bloody heard me the first time. I bloody well want to thank the dark gods who made me a lord with a blood sacrifice.
MANAGER
But I thought you were Jewish?
ALAN
Not anymore mush, I worship Quetzacoatal lord of the Sun. I'm so fucking grateful I haven't changed these ermine robes since I was enobled, I'm naked underneath, I stink don't I?MANAGER
Well I didn't want to say. I suppose it makes sense you are Sir Alan lord of industry development.
ALAN
Shut it! I wanted to sacrifice some chav orphan but Barnardos were bloody well having none of it, now where's that monkey?
MANAGER
Look chimpanzees are highly intelligent sapients, with complex social structures and...
MARGARET
They eat Collobus monkeys don't they? Doesn't sound very civilised.
NICK
And they masturbate infront of school children.
MANAGER
Ok so chimpanzees are not all that nice, but some one's going to notice ones missing. How about a marmoset?
ALAN
That's scarcely a replacement you muppet! All big eyes and fingers it's be like sacrificing Bjork.
NICK
I think it might even anger the vengeful God of the Sun you worship.MANAGERHang on I've got an idea! Could you kill the chimpanzee tomorrow?
MARGARET
That will be acceptable could you tie it up for us?
MANAGER
Of course.
SIR ALAN, NICK AND MARGARET LEAVE.MANAGER GETS ON PHONE
MANAGER
Yes is that Ronnie Corbett we do still want you to dress up as a chimpanzee for the video for the kiddies. Could you make it tomorrow?
Sunday, 20 December 2009
High Aspierations a lousy sitcom idea.
SARA AND TREVOR ARE IN A POLICE STATION
THEY ARE SAT IN A CELL POLICE OFFICERS BOB AND TRACY WATCH THEM SUSPICIOUSLY FROM BEHIND A DESK IN THE CELL BLOCK.
SARA(WHISPERING TO TREVOR)
I can’t believe you stole that card. It isn’t even anyone’s birthday.
TREVOR (NORMAL TONE)
Well Derrick said it would be ok. He said he bought his moped by holding up a Hallmark with a ....
SARA(WHISPERING)
Why do you believe someone who’s only working at the centre as part of community payback? It’s not exactly the GCSE of criminality.
TREVOR
He is very convincing.
BOB
Oi no whispering. Don’t make me put you in separate cells.
SARA(NORMAL TONE)
Thank goodness. How long are you going to hold us? You’ve seen Trevor’s ID card haven’t you?
TRACY
Would you like a prayer mat?
BOB
That I have (HOLDS UP A SMALL BLUE ID CARD AND READS FROM IT) I have Asperger’s.
SARA
Yes and that means...
BOB (CONTINUING)
And I’ve got some nice celery and chervil at home. Claiming you have a misspelled vegetable is no excuse for shoplifting.
TREVOR
It’s pronounced Asperger’s with a hard g, there’s no soft Gs in German.
SARA
Do you want a prayer mat?
TRACY
Aren’t you people supposed to do disability awareness training or something? And why does she keep offering me a prayer mat?
BOB
We do, do religious sensitivity training. But with budget cuts it was disability awareness or tazers.
TRACY
Look do you want a bloody prayer mat you sods? Or a damned kosher dinner?
TREVOR
Could I have a prayer mat please? These beds are really hard to sit on.
TRACY
You want to sit on a prayer mat? With your unclean buttocks? What are you some sort of racist?
BOB
Settle down constable. You really shouldn’t wind her up. They made Constable Tracy do religious sensitivity training three times and it left her a little bit funny.
SARA
Why did they make her do it 3 times?
BOB
Some one got a little truncheon happy on the million mum march didn’t they?
TRACY
Those Bugaboos are dangerous; they’re like armoured tanks loaded with babies.
TREVOR
My buttocks are very clean I have OCD.
SARA
Shut up Trevor this isn’t helping. And you don’t have OCD, you’ve got Asperger’s syndrome.
BOB
What is this Asperger’s you keep banging on about?
TREVOR
It’s a form of Autism acknowledged by the DCM in 1976...
BOB
Autism...ah like Rainman.
TRACY
Yeh but you don’t look anything like Dustin Hoffman you lying slag.
SARA(WHISPERING URGENTLY TO TREVOR)
That’s our way out of here Trevor. You’ve seen Rainman act like that guy in Rainman they’ll let us go.
TREVOR
But I’ve got Asperger’s. He had autism completely different condition.
SARA
Well exaggerate then.
TREVOR
But you did drama at university. You’re the actor.
TRACY
What are you two whispering about? I’m going to get my ruddy prayer mat, prepare to kneel...
BOB
No Tracy remember your sensitivity training!
SARA
One Minute to Wapner!
THEY ARE SAT IN A CELL POLICE OFFICERS BOB AND TRACY WATCH THEM SUSPICIOUSLY FROM BEHIND A DESK IN THE CELL BLOCK.
SARA(WHISPERING TO TREVOR)
I can’t believe you stole that card. It isn’t even anyone’s birthday.
TREVOR (NORMAL TONE)
Well Derrick said it would be ok. He said he bought his moped by holding up a Hallmark with a ....
SARA(WHISPERING)
Why do you believe someone who’s only working at the centre as part of community payback? It’s not exactly the GCSE of criminality.
TREVOR
He is very convincing.
BOB
Oi no whispering. Don’t make me put you in separate cells.
SARA(NORMAL TONE)
Thank goodness. How long are you going to hold us? You’ve seen Trevor’s ID card haven’t you?
TRACY
Would you like a prayer mat?
BOB
That I have (HOLDS UP A SMALL BLUE ID CARD AND READS FROM IT) I have Asperger’s.
SARA
Yes and that means...
BOB (CONTINUING)
And I’ve got some nice celery and chervil at home. Claiming you have a misspelled vegetable is no excuse for shoplifting.
TREVOR
It’s pronounced Asperger’s with a hard g, there’s no soft Gs in German.
SARA
Do you want a prayer mat?
TRACY
Aren’t you people supposed to do disability awareness training or something? And why does she keep offering me a prayer mat?
BOB
We do, do religious sensitivity training. But with budget cuts it was disability awareness or tazers.
TRACY
Look do you want a bloody prayer mat you sods? Or a damned kosher dinner?
TREVOR
Could I have a prayer mat please? These beds are really hard to sit on.
TRACY
You want to sit on a prayer mat? With your unclean buttocks? What are you some sort of racist?
BOB
Settle down constable. You really shouldn’t wind her up. They made Constable Tracy do religious sensitivity training three times and it left her a little bit funny.
SARA
Why did they make her do it 3 times?
BOB
Some one got a little truncheon happy on the million mum march didn’t they?
TRACY
Those Bugaboos are dangerous; they’re like armoured tanks loaded with babies.
TREVOR
My buttocks are very clean I have OCD.
SARA
Shut up Trevor this isn’t helping. And you don’t have OCD, you’ve got Asperger’s syndrome.
BOB
What is this Asperger’s you keep banging on about?
TREVOR
It’s a form of Autism acknowledged by the DCM in 1976...
BOB
Autism...ah like Rainman.
TRACY
Yeh but you don’t look anything like Dustin Hoffman you lying slag.
SARA(WHISPERING URGENTLY TO TREVOR)
That’s our way out of here Trevor. You’ve seen Rainman act like that guy in Rainman they’ll let us go.
TREVOR
But I’ve got Asperger’s. He had autism completely different condition.
SARA
Well exaggerate then.
TREVOR
But you did drama at university. You’re the actor.
TRACY
What are you two whispering about? I’m going to get my ruddy prayer mat, prepare to kneel...
BOB
No Tracy remember your sensitivity training!
SARA
One Minute to Wapner!
Saturday, 19 December 2009
Of elephant poo and politics.
There's an old tale about 4 blind wisemen who try to identify an elephant by feeling diferent parts of it. The one who grabs the leg thinks it a snake, the leg a tree, the one who grabbed it's dinkle probably just felt he was in a lot of trouble. What has this to do with why Dr Sardonicus may well be voting conservative?
Dr Sardonicus like one of those blind fellows is at the back of said metaphorical elephant. Well the Labour party is this elephant and everytime he yanks on it's tale said elephant craps on his head. After some time Sardonicus has got the point. It is an elephant's bottom not a candy machine.
The latest maloderous gift is the Independent Safeguarding Authority. If you have anything to do with children or vulnerable types you'll have come across this charming bunch by now. Basically to work in social care in any form you need their approval. In the old days you could get banned by a police check or an internal investigation. e.g. some one had to prove something about you. The ISA is a collection of unseen investigators who collect all information on what you "might have done" even if found innocent and if they think you're a wrong 'un they can bar you from working. Oh and they don't have to share this info with you (especially police info). George Orwell might have thought this abit rich. Albeit the ISA would probably quite happy sat next to The Ministery of Truth. Also the government is protecting the police from irate care assisstants? I thought they were the ones with the tazers, guns and pointy hats?
A simpler solution and a more democratic one would be to penalise organisations that fail to carry out proper internal investigations. But that wouldn't be so much fun would it?
It gets worse. The ISA had a motherf**king road show to explain their good works. Yes a road show like Andi Peters fronting for the Stasi. They went around the country pointing out how the ISA will sort the naughty from the nice. Like Santa Clause with a red sack full of grenades and a midlife crisis.
Dr Sardonicus glumly sat through ISA training. Where the greatest sin seemed to be talking to your colleagues or being concerend. Grass quick, grass always never ever trust anyone. The maddening thing is the research on child abuse seems to indicate that helping people to come clean and be supported is the only solution.
Not that this seems to work for Snow Brown and his 7 intellectual dwarves. Sleazy, creepy, dopey, randy, invadey, nosey and Jack Straw.
Dr Sardonicus is sick of a government that it's not even worth ridiculing. The individulisation agenda in care that puts organisations that used to be allies at each others throats. The endless spying, the casual contempt for human rights, the locking up of families in Yarlswood 'cos that seems the easiest way to silence the Redtops.
Dr Sardonicus is going to stop pulling that tale. Because as a nation we can only take so much crap. He kinda hopes DaveyC will at least be contempt evil.
Dr Sardonicus like one of those blind fellows is at the back of said metaphorical elephant. Well the Labour party is this elephant and everytime he yanks on it's tale said elephant craps on his head. After some time Sardonicus has got the point. It is an elephant's bottom not a candy machine.
The latest maloderous gift is the Independent Safeguarding Authority. If you have anything to do with children or vulnerable types you'll have come across this charming bunch by now. Basically to work in social care in any form you need their approval. In the old days you could get banned by a police check or an internal investigation. e.g. some one had to prove something about you. The ISA is a collection of unseen investigators who collect all information on what you "might have done" even if found innocent and if they think you're a wrong 'un they can bar you from working. Oh and they don't have to share this info with you (especially police info). George Orwell might have thought this abit rich. Albeit the ISA would probably quite happy sat next to The Ministery of Truth. Also the government is protecting the police from irate care assisstants? I thought they were the ones with the tazers, guns and pointy hats?
A simpler solution and a more democratic one would be to penalise organisations that fail to carry out proper internal investigations. But that wouldn't be so much fun would it?
It gets worse. The ISA had a motherf**king road show to explain their good works. Yes a road show like Andi Peters fronting for the Stasi. They went around the country pointing out how the ISA will sort the naughty from the nice. Like Santa Clause with a red sack full of grenades and a midlife crisis.
Dr Sardonicus glumly sat through ISA training. Where the greatest sin seemed to be talking to your colleagues or being concerend. Grass quick, grass always never ever trust anyone. The maddening thing is the research on child abuse seems to indicate that helping people to come clean and be supported is the only solution.
Not that this seems to work for Snow Brown and his 7 intellectual dwarves. Sleazy, creepy, dopey, randy, invadey, nosey and Jack Straw.
Dr Sardonicus is sick of a government that it's not even worth ridiculing. The individulisation agenda in care that puts organisations that used to be allies at each others throats. The endless spying, the casual contempt for human rights, the locking up of families in Yarlswood 'cos that seems the easiest way to silence the Redtops.
Dr Sardonicus is going to stop pulling that tale. Because as a nation we can only take so much crap. He kinda hopes DaveyC will at least be contempt evil.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
More good news.
Dr Sardonicus has been trawling the news for good news and ...has found some!
1 2 Islamic fundamentalists were eaten by a bear in whose cave they were hiding. Booyaka Shah! Take that you Godless religious fundamentalists. Yogi's servin' up pickanic baskets of justice. Now hurry up Obama get down to Washington Zoo and release all the bears from their cages none of them have had fair trials (well apart from Paddington who I believe was smuggling cocaine from darkest Peru). And lets start arresting and waterboarding the cows. They're farts are destroying the polar bear's environment. Remember in the War of Error there is only one enemy and that enemy is common sense.
2 Gordon Brown spent a night sleeping with the British Army in the desert. Crikey that looks so rude I won't edit it. Mind you the Lying Scotsman is so desperate I reckon he would offer his saggy arse to anyone for a vote or 2.
I do like the idea of him spending a night under canvas like a Billy no Mates on a camping trip. Crying softly because Dave Cameron got invited to smoke fags with the hard lads in the SAS's tent.
I do hope somewhere out there is footage of a press conference given by Gordon. His eyebrows shaved off, "I am gay" written on his forehead in permanent ink, in his Yfronts after some of the bigger lads stucks his trousers up a tree. Oddly I think it might make him look more dignified than constantly failing to tax outrageous city bonuses.
3 Boris Johnson scared a bunch of violent school girls away by calling them Oiks. Hoorah! Unlike Gotham we made our brave vigilante mayor. I propose a Boris Bike like an enviromentally friendly Batmobile, a Boris Signal and perhaps Dave Cameron as Bobbins (like Robin but rubbish). And I hate to say it but for once he has stolen a lead on my fave Red Ken.
Who only managed to beat people up at parties and insult the occaisonal Jew.
1 2 Islamic fundamentalists were eaten by a bear in whose cave they were hiding. Booyaka Shah! Take that you Godless religious fundamentalists. Yogi's servin' up pickanic baskets of justice. Now hurry up Obama get down to Washington Zoo and release all the bears from their cages none of them have had fair trials (well apart from Paddington who I believe was smuggling cocaine from darkest Peru). And lets start arresting and waterboarding the cows. They're farts are destroying the polar bear's environment. Remember in the War of Error there is only one enemy and that enemy is common sense.
2 Gordon Brown spent a night sleeping with the British Army in the desert. Crikey that looks so rude I won't edit it. Mind you the Lying Scotsman is so desperate I reckon he would offer his saggy arse to anyone for a vote or 2.
I do like the idea of him spending a night under canvas like a Billy no Mates on a camping trip. Crying softly because Dave Cameron got invited to smoke fags with the hard lads in the SAS's tent.
I do hope somewhere out there is footage of a press conference given by Gordon. His eyebrows shaved off, "I am gay" written on his forehead in permanent ink, in his Yfronts after some of the bigger lads stucks his trousers up a tree. Oddly I think it might make him look more dignified than constantly failing to tax outrageous city bonuses.
3 Boris Johnson scared a bunch of violent school girls away by calling them Oiks. Hoorah! Unlike Gotham we made our brave vigilante mayor. I propose a Boris Bike like an enviromentally friendly Batmobile, a Boris Signal and perhaps Dave Cameron as Bobbins (like Robin but rubbish). And I hate to say it but for once he has stolen a lead on my fave Red Ken.
Who only managed to beat people up at parties and insult the occaisonal Jew.
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
The execution of channel 4
Good morning citizens of the blogosphere and Sardonicus has a question for you.
Who sold Channel 4 to Rupert Murdoch? Come on confess you know you want to. One of you did, I have my eye on you Gordy Brown (with all the crap decisions you make these days I'm sure one of them is reading my rotten blog). Oh and stop sending me poorly written letters regretting my death, I haven't been blown up...yet.
But back to my main rant, who sold Channel 4? I refer of course to the execution of Gary Glitter. A vile tabloidy bit of nonsense where Gary Glitter played by Ming the Merciless slithered around a show, excuding pure liquid evil through his evil poors, before being dragged to his noose by I think Jethro the popular Cornish standup. In the mean time a lot of stupid people were asked their opinion, which seemed to be "Hang the bastard," which was more liberal than I suspect "Hang him by his winkle and beat him to death with his shoulder pads"
They even had Gary Bushell. I thought he killed himself after watching Gareth Gates and feeling a bit queer, best take no chances eh?
Gary of course whining on the gallows worse than an amateur dramactic version of Shylock. Couldn't they at least have had Timothy Spall as the hangman? He was dead good at Pierrpoint.
Now why was this program not only crap, but dangerously crap. Well firstly it implies that paedophilia is on a par if not worse than murder, a dangerous and unhelpful view. Secondly by making the villain clearly they shortcut the debate, surely the biggest problem with the death sentence is that people tend to get it wrong? Innocent people end up dead or in the case of Ruth Ellis and Dereck Bentley were both clearly guilty, but deserving of a more human sentence. Also this blatant, demonising of sex offenders helps no one. I want to see Chris Langham back on the thick of it, it's weak stuff without him.
But none of that matters when your up against "Left versus Right Jordans tits fall out" on Sky1 or "When Siamese twins kill...each other," on Channel . Come on Channel 4 you're still supposed to be a public service broadcaster?
Perhaps a better alternative would be to go for a more serious crime? How about Micheal Barrymoore for his dubious pool games, they could behead him. Strike his head off unluck?
Or maybe high treason, Tony Benn maybe? Or how about George Galloway plays Saddam Hussein in a reenactment of his execution? The moustachioed, egotistical, Tango man would probably go through it.
Now that would be worth the license fee.
Not boo the paedophile with idiotic remixed songs.
Who sold Channel 4 to Rupert Murdoch? Come on confess you know you want to. One of you did, I have my eye on you Gordy Brown (with all the crap decisions you make these days I'm sure one of them is reading my rotten blog). Oh and stop sending me poorly written letters regretting my death, I haven't been blown up...yet.
But back to my main rant, who sold Channel 4? I refer of course to the execution of Gary Glitter. A vile tabloidy bit of nonsense where Gary Glitter played by Ming the Merciless slithered around a show, excuding pure liquid evil through his evil poors, before being dragged to his noose by I think Jethro the popular Cornish standup. In the mean time a lot of stupid people were asked their opinion, which seemed to be "Hang the bastard," which was more liberal than I suspect "Hang him by his winkle and beat him to death with his shoulder pads"
They even had Gary Bushell. I thought he killed himself after watching Gareth Gates and feeling a bit queer, best take no chances eh?
Gary of course whining on the gallows worse than an amateur dramactic version of Shylock. Couldn't they at least have had Timothy Spall as the hangman? He was dead good at Pierrpoint.
Now why was this program not only crap, but dangerously crap. Well firstly it implies that paedophilia is on a par if not worse than murder, a dangerous and unhelpful view. Secondly by making the villain clearly they shortcut the debate, surely the biggest problem with the death sentence is that people tend to get it wrong? Innocent people end up dead or in the case of Ruth Ellis and Dereck Bentley were both clearly guilty, but deserving of a more human sentence. Also this blatant, demonising of sex offenders helps no one. I want to see Chris Langham back on the thick of it, it's weak stuff without him.
But none of that matters when your up against "Left versus Right Jordans tits fall out" on Sky1 or "When Siamese twins kill...each other," on Channel . Come on Channel 4 you're still supposed to be a public service broadcaster?
Perhaps a better alternative would be to go for a more serious crime? How about Micheal Barrymoore for his dubious pool games, they could behead him. Strike his head off unluck?
Or maybe high treason, Tony Benn maybe? Or how about George Galloway plays Saddam Hussein in a reenactment of his execution? The moustachioed, egotistical, Tango man would probably go through it.
Now that would be worth the license fee.
Not boo the paedophile with idiotic remixed songs.
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Hello again faithful reader and hasn't it been a long time? Where has Dr Sardonicus been all this time? Has the fame of having his blog promo'd on 3 diferent sites lead the good Dr to become a latter day Howard Hughes? Is he sitting in a bath of alcohol gel poking at the keyboard with 2 foot untrimmed nails? Is he dead? Is Dereck Ocora typing this for him?
No Dr Sardonicus has just been busy. Which is why it has taken him so long to offer his portentious opinion on Nick Griffin's performance on Question Time. And Sardonicus declares it to be a load of bollocks.
The whole thing looked liked Billy Bunter gets picked on by ethnic minorities. It takes a special kind of BBC incompetence to make boogle eyed Mr Toadious look sympathetic. Dear God he's going to be the mother of thingie's baby on Eastender's next or being eaten by a Komod dragon on Life.
The uninspiring sight of Nick sitting there versus;
Bonnie Greer an American Playwrite, who's soul role seemd to be to talk about herself and periodicially call Nick a fascist.
That Asian Conservative MP who gets defrosted from Carbonite every time DaveyC needs to look PC.
A Liberal Democrat, you know thingy in favour of public transport, supports Owls didn't have his boyfriend's dog shot.
Jack Straw.
Jack Straw, ah Jack Straw. Did they have to open the windows in the studio to air his sulphurous air of evil? Remove your Burqa Straw, extraordinary rendition Straw, lock up assylum seeking families in one cell STraw. And this is the face of NewLab multiculturalism?
The depressing thing is people may actually be stupid as our leader seem to think they are.
And these days that seems to be can't tell the diference between a toilet and a dishwasher stupid.
This seems to be the ultimate extension of the Shilpa Jade thing. Vote against racisim? I voted Jade out that must make none racist. In this case dislike podgy cartoon Nazi Nick Griffin, hooray I'm an anti racist. Now gets back to demand they send everybody back, who isn't installing my new kitchen or delivering my curry (but they cans od off as soon as they're finished).
Being racist does not mean being in the BNP. Being none racist does not mean booing the comical racist.
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
Dr Sardonicus is hiding from the rain in a small internet cafe avoiding the rain which is driving down with a vengance. And he has decided to entertain himself by doing the following things.
1 Politely reply to all the kinds offers of lottery wins and Viagra from the Horn of Africa. Perhaps reccomend they could forward them onto Gordon Brown? He needs the money more than Dr S and the other stuff, well the prick really needs to stand up for himself.
2 Send a list of new magazine ideas to kindly tyrant Rupert Murdoch; Sleat like Heat but featuring celebs being rained on, FHHem for the lad who likes to sew and maybe Out of Focus for shortsighted science fans.
3 Send some offers of viagra and lottery wins to a gullible country (Tonga always seemed abit naieve).
4 Invent a union for the Labor government as they are likely to need one rather soon. Union of Pms Losers Chancellors and other Cretins (U Pillocks).
5 Congratulate Obama on winning aproval from the electorate not by reforming health care, but by calling Kanye West a jack ass. Might he reccomend calling Will Smith a cock stand, then have a cry in Michelle's organic garden (and maybe some of that special cabbage, Sardonicus understands...)
6 Ponder what he'd do if he ever got his hands on Obama's blackberry (don't be disgusting I know what you're thinking not so gentle reader). Maybe send Nick Griffin an appreciative e-mail, or ask DaveyC for a big snog.
Or tell Gordon he's not dull.
1 Politely reply to all the kinds offers of lottery wins and Viagra from the Horn of Africa. Perhaps reccomend they could forward them onto Gordon Brown? He needs the money more than Dr S and the other stuff, well the prick really needs to stand up for himself.
2 Send a list of new magazine ideas to kindly tyrant Rupert Murdoch; Sleat like Heat but featuring celebs being rained on, FHHem for the lad who likes to sew and maybe Out of Focus for shortsighted science fans.
3 Send some offers of viagra and lottery wins to a gullible country (Tonga always seemed abit naieve).
4 Invent a union for the Labor government as they are likely to need one rather soon. Union of Pms Losers Chancellors and other Cretins (U Pillocks).
5 Congratulate Obama on winning aproval from the electorate not by reforming health care, but by calling Kanye West a jack ass. Might he reccomend calling Will Smith a cock stand, then have a cry in Michelle's organic garden (and maybe some of that special cabbage, Sardonicus understands...)
6 Ponder what he'd do if he ever got his hands on Obama's blackberry (don't be disgusting I know what you're thinking not so gentle reader). Maybe send Nick Griffin an appreciative e-mail, or ask DaveyC for a big snog.
Or tell Gordon he's not dull.
Monday, 14 September 2009
Tailors and Assassins
Hello again gentle reader, Dr Sardonicus has been away for a while but now he's back.
Now I'm going to start talking about Startrek. Wait come back! I know you must be thinking breaking the 4th wall and talking about Startrek? Sir you try our patience (and that's not inlcuding lame gags and terrible grammar, so that's how you feel? Then you can shove off!) because it will build to a point.
I've always been a big fan of good old DS9. Why you may ask (or probably not, but you're the one wasting your time reading this, so now who's wearing the sticky pants?)? It was because it had about the only 2 original characters in all of Startrek. Chief O'Brian who was a stalwart working class, boozer who always s**t out of luck and having a wife and kids was one of the only characters who wasn't a Peter Pan with a midlife crisis. The other was Garrack, ah good old Garrack. Startrek's only gay/sadistic character but in an entirely loveable way (who's phaser seemed to be always set to that painful disintegrate mode). The novel about him by the actor who played him may be the only readable Trek book. In such a violent show he seemed to be the only one who enjoyed killing people.
But why does Sardonicus ruminate on shows long since passed?
Well there's one episode where Garrack who was a sort of interstellar; alien/tailor in the Harry Palmer mould loses his chance to be part of some superduper league of Alien Bad 'uns. He returns to his shop, turns to his friend the doctor and says.
"The sad thing is I'm quite a good tailor."
Because Sardonicus is back in work, back in a proper job. Hurrah...sort of. To date Sardonicus has watched his last few attempts to penetrate into proper media crash burn. His computer is like an Imperial Japanese airfield from which his scripts fly like short sighted Kamikaze pilots, with poor depth perception. All too soon to crash and burn, the Carriers of the US fleet steam on umnmolested and unaware. Safe from another wave of poorly formed metaphors.
But here he is with a proper job, that requires proper time commitment. Wandering if perhaps he is a better tailor than an assassin? And it is a very proper job, with a desk and a white board and a staff team and all that stuff. Not to mention a socially valid role helping the needy and meeting interesting people.
But still Dr Sardonicus wanders...well it's not like he'll ever stop writing that's a compulsion more akin to breathing than anything else. But still as he hems his proverbial pants, he does wander what comes next? And will that screen writing lead somewhere else?
Now I'm going to start talking about Startrek. Wait come back! I know you must be thinking breaking the 4th wall and talking about Startrek? Sir you try our patience (and that's not inlcuding lame gags and terrible grammar, so that's how you feel? Then you can shove off!) because it will build to a point.
I've always been a big fan of good old DS9. Why you may ask (or probably not, but you're the one wasting your time reading this, so now who's wearing the sticky pants?)? It was because it had about the only 2 original characters in all of Startrek. Chief O'Brian who was a stalwart working class, boozer who always s**t out of luck and having a wife and kids was one of the only characters who wasn't a Peter Pan with a midlife crisis. The other was Garrack, ah good old Garrack. Startrek's only gay/sadistic character but in an entirely loveable way (who's phaser seemed to be always set to that painful disintegrate mode). The novel about him by the actor who played him may be the only readable Trek book. In such a violent show he seemed to be the only one who enjoyed killing people.
But why does Sardonicus ruminate on shows long since passed?
Well there's one episode where Garrack who was a sort of interstellar; alien/tailor in the Harry Palmer mould loses his chance to be part of some superduper league of Alien Bad 'uns. He returns to his shop, turns to his friend the doctor and says.
"The sad thing is I'm quite a good tailor."
Because Sardonicus is back in work, back in a proper job. Hurrah...sort of. To date Sardonicus has watched his last few attempts to penetrate into proper media crash burn. His computer is like an Imperial Japanese airfield from which his scripts fly like short sighted Kamikaze pilots, with poor depth perception. All too soon to crash and burn, the Carriers of the US fleet steam on umnmolested and unaware. Safe from another wave of poorly formed metaphors.
But here he is with a proper job, that requires proper time commitment. Wandering if perhaps he is a better tailor than an assassin? And it is a very proper job, with a desk and a white board and a staff team and all that stuff. Not to mention a socially valid role helping the needy and meeting interesting people.
But still Dr Sardonicus wanders...well it's not like he'll ever stop writing that's a compulsion more akin to breathing than anything else. But still as he hems his proverbial pants, he does wander what comes next? And will that screen writing lead somewhere else?
Sunday, 19 July 2009
Yet another moan at the government.
Dr Sardonicus really should stop reading newspapers it never cheers him up, or maybe just the cosy racist world of The Daily Mail? Or at this rate The People's Friend.
What has gone up Dr Sardonicus's capatious nostril this morning? It's the new government system for checking out that all people working with the vulnerable and children are nice.
This is inherently a good thing a quick check of the various government lists and you could weed out any one who had a conviction for abuse etc. But not enough some people might have slipped through the net. So now we have the concept of "soft data" got investigated? Some one made a possibly malicious complaint. And that's enough for you to be cast out of the work force, career over you were the weakest link. Oh and it takes upto 4 weeks, hurrah unpaid leave between jobs.
Unfortunately it would appear if as it is rumours CIA black site torture was inspired by Jack Bauer and 24. Our child protection system is inspired by Columbo.
Oh and parents? Teachers, carers, volunteers you're next. The cold eye of the state will fall upon you next, in this cheery world we're all probable abusers. God forbid anyone might suggest that better education and more trust could be the solution. How about being barred from your next school sports day because you played kiss chase age 10 or grandad banned for having bombed Bremen in WW2 (some of those victims must have been kids a form of child abuse).
The really joke is that this legislation was put in place after the Ian Huntley murders. It wouldn't have done anygood, maybe he wouldn't have got a job as a school caretaker. But he accessed those girls through his girlfriend. The abusers have long ago moved onto other hunting grounds (singles columns mainly aparently). All this legislation seems to do is feed an ongoing governmental obsession with us albeing guilty of something.
One wanders if some poor 12 year old gets charged with snogging another 12 year old? Will he fail his CRB and be banned from going anywhere near himself?
What has gone up Dr Sardonicus's capatious nostril this morning? It's the new government system for checking out that all people working with the vulnerable and children are nice.
This is inherently a good thing a quick check of the various government lists and you could weed out any one who had a conviction for abuse etc. But not enough some people might have slipped through the net. So now we have the concept of "soft data" got investigated? Some one made a possibly malicious complaint. And that's enough for you to be cast out of the work force, career over you were the weakest link. Oh and it takes upto 4 weeks, hurrah unpaid leave between jobs.
Unfortunately it would appear if as it is rumours CIA black site torture was inspired by Jack Bauer and 24. Our child protection system is inspired by Columbo.
Oh and parents? Teachers, carers, volunteers you're next. The cold eye of the state will fall upon you next, in this cheery world we're all probable abusers. God forbid anyone might suggest that better education and more trust could be the solution. How about being barred from your next school sports day because you played kiss chase age 10 or grandad banned for having bombed Bremen in WW2 (some of those victims must have been kids a form of child abuse).
The really joke is that this legislation was put in place after the Ian Huntley murders. It wouldn't have done anygood, maybe he wouldn't have got a job as a school caretaker. But he accessed those girls through his girlfriend. The abusers have long ago moved onto other hunting grounds (singles columns mainly aparently). All this legislation seems to do is feed an ongoing governmental obsession with us albeing guilty of something.
One wanders if some poor 12 year old gets charged with snogging another 12 year old? Will he fail his CRB and be banned from going anywhere near himself?
Saturday, 11 July 2009
A meeting.
On Thursday I popped along to a book launch by Ben White on his jolly new historical screed about "Israeli Apparhteid." The talk was rather unimpressive and could be reduced to as following.
1 Israel isn't Apparhteid.
2 Apparhteid is horrid.
3 Israel is horrid anyway.
This aparently took 14 months of research. Though I suspect Mr White actually started with what sounded like a wizard title for his book and worked backwards from there. A similar tactic I may take up with such Sardonicus classic titles as; "Was Hitler a Welsh transvestite (No he wasn't) and "Thatcher my part in her downfall (it was very small).
This was followed by an even less impressive call to begin boycotting Israel. A call so inarticulate it could have been mistaken for a call to boycott walls in general and could have lead to the firebombing of a branch of B&Q.
For my fellow lovers of Zion Sardonicus was there in the role of a latter day Trumpledore. Where I asked if Israel was so awful and monsterous how Mr White had been able to travel so often there? And unlike other reporters in the Peoples Islamic Paradise of Iran spent most of his trip in the Holiday Inn? Mr White didn't really answer the question. Lost I fear in dreams of his new book "Barrack Obama Nazi or Slaver?" or maybe taking Robert Fisk's crown?
The thing that stuck with me was there were 2 groups in the room Zionists and anti Zionists. The Zionists booed asked questions interrupted and generally acted like rather middle class hooligans; the sort who'd hit you with a well spelled placard at a rally and would worry about how to recycle the glass in their molotov cocktails. . The Anti Zionists acted similarly (though in fairness it was there meeting). Then afterwards the Zionists spoke to each other and the Anti Zionists spoke to each other. And both sides strode off home convinced of the rightness of their arguments and how it's shame the other side can't see how wrong they've been. Thing is neither side spoke to each other except to shout at each other during the meeting.
Is this some how analgous of how we live now? I rather wished I hadn't asked my question I might have had a chance to chat with the otherside. On some level this conflict is being fought with real bullets, blood and wrecked lives over there. It seems a shame that over here we can't seem to bare to just chat to our opposite numbers.
n.b. post script got home to find a cheery facebook post about a cheery documentary proving most Palestinians are Jews who lost their way 1000s of years ago (and the second raters at that). The absurdity and racism of this message bothers me. If we're descending to the point of using the same arguments of those who persecuted us, then we are building up to being judged the same way. Mind you I take small comfort in this argument of a lunatic fringe, I just hope it isn't growing....
1 Israel isn't Apparhteid.
2 Apparhteid is horrid.
3 Israel is horrid anyway.
This aparently took 14 months of research. Though I suspect Mr White actually started with what sounded like a wizard title for his book and worked backwards from there. A similar tactic I may take up with such Sardonicus classic titles as; "Was Hitler a Welsh transvestite (No he wasn't) and "Thatcher my part in her downfall (it was very small).
This was followed by an even less impressive call to begin boycotting Israel. A call so inarticulate it could have been mistaken for a call to boycott walls in general and could have lead to the firebombing of a branch of B&Q.
For my fellow lovers of Zion Sardonicus was there in the role of a latter day Trumpledore. Where I asked if Israel was so awful and monsterous how Mr White had been able to travel so often there? And unlike other reporters in the Peoples Islamic Paradise of Iran spent most of his trip in the Holiday Inn? Mr White didn't really answer the question. Lost I fear in dreams of his new book "Barrack Obama Nazi or Slaver?" or maybe taking Robert Fisk's crown?
The thing that stuck with me was there were 2 groups in the room Zionists and anti Zionists. The Zionists booed asked questions interrupted and generally acted like rather middle class hooligans; the sort who'd hit you with a well spelled placard at a rally and would worry about how to recycle the glass in their molotov cocktails. . The Anti Zionists acted similarly (though in fairness it was there meeting). Then afterwards the Zionists spoke to each other and the Anti Zionists spoke to each other. And both sides strode off home convinced of the rightness of their arguments and how it's shame the other side can't see how wrong they've been. Thing is neither side spoke to each other except to shout at each other during the meeting.
Is this some how analgous of how we live now? I rather wished I hadn't asked my question I might have had a chance to chat with the otherside. On some level this conflict is being fought with real bullets, blood and wrecked lives over there. It seems a shame that over here we can't seem to bare to just chat to our opposite numbers.
n.b. post script got home to find a cheery facebook post about a cheery documentary proving most Palestinians are Jews who lost their way 1000s of years ago (and the second raters at that). The absurdity and racism of this message bothers me. If we're descending to the point of using the same arguments of those who persecuted us, then we are building up to being judged the same way. Mind you I take small comfort in this argument of a lunatic fringe, I just hope it isn't growing....
Sunday, 7 June 2009
A view on the news.
Poor old Gordon Brown has lost so many chums he may have to jam a knife in the cupboard door, run backwards and stab himself in the back. But that is not the news story that interests Dr Sardonicus today. No it's a rather more horrible story. A 7 year old girl was starved to death by her parents deliberately. The truly shocking thing was her parents were visited by social services 3 times, who didn't see anything wrong. Because the parents didn't let them in.
eh?
Are our social services being trained in investigations by old episodes of Dixon of Dock Green? "It's a fair cop you've got me banged to right I was abusing my kid, I'm a right bad 'un that I am."
The problem is that social services is so mired in the public eye that it's the shame that causes the problems. At least in Dr Sardonicus's view. The fear and guilt has lead to social services at times being inundated by malicious complaints. Don't believe me hang out in your local job centre, Greggs or other places where Burberry is still derigeur. And listen in on the conversations.
"So I called social services on him..." or "She told social services my Derrick XXXX'd the Doberman in front of the kids."
The complaint to social services seems to be the equivalent of a hellfire missile strike on her who pinched your Derrick, or them's that thinks they're better than they are. And I suspect it works the same for those that shop at Waitrose and get cross.
Dr Sardonicus believes that the less we judge, the less guilt there is. Is there a better way of identifying those that are struggling and need help.
That and shooting the Daily Mail journalist who periodically suggests that social service departments are white slavers.
eh?
Are our social services being trained in investigations by old episodes of Dixon of Dock Green? "It's a fair cop you've got me banged to right I was abusing my kid, I'm a right bad 'un that I am."
The problem is that social services is so mired in the public eye that it's the shame that causes the problems. At least in Dr Sardonicus's view. The fear and guilt has lead to social services at times being inundated by malicious complaints. Don't believe me hang out in your local job centre, Greggs or other places where Burberry is still derigeur. And listen in on the conversations.
"So I called social services on him..." or "She told social services my Derrick XXXX'd the Doberman in front of the kids."
The complaint to social services seems to be the equivalent of a hellfire missile strike on her who pinched your Derrick, or them's that thinks they're better than they are. And I suspect it works the same for those that shop at Waitrose and get cross.
Dr Sardonicus believes that the less we judge, the less guilt there is. Is there a better way of identifying those that are struggling and need help.
That and shooting the Daily Mail journalist who periodically suggests that social service departments are white slavers.
Sherlock Holmes and the Vampire Zepellin a sketch
HOLMES AND WATSON ARE SITTING IN THEIR DRAWING ROOM.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HOLMESAah a firm knock on the door that must be Inspector Lestrade.WATSONDash it Holmes how did you know?
HOLMESIt's the rhythmic knocking of a regimented mind, with the firm tap of a hand used to wrestling felons, but softened by the leather of Metropolitan police issue gloves.
WATSONHolmes you never cease to amaze me, you are as brilliant as you are handsome.
INSPECTOR BASTARD COMES IN.I
NSPECTORYou lying faker you peaked out the curtain.
HOLMESYou're not Inspector Lestrade.
INSPECTORNo I'm Inspector Isa Bastard. Inspector Lestrarde is under investigation by Scotland Yard internal affairs.
HOLMESImplicated in a fiendish murder plot. Perhaps Chinese Triads and my nemesis Moriarty the professor of evil, are right now planning to assassinate the queen with an enromous Afghani killer suirrel. With dependable Lestrade out of the way, I'm the next obvious target, So you need the services of I, Sherlock Holmes London's number one consulting detective to investigate?
WATSONThat's briliant Holmes you polymath, you beautiful polymath.
INSPECTORIn a word, no. He's under investigation for subcontracting out murder investigations to unqualified civilians. Mr Holmes what actually is a consulting detective?HOLMESWell I'm an independent expert in criminology and investigations. A foresnic expert, unhampered by the heavy weight of a police mans' badge. An expert on the dark recess's of the criminal mind..
INSPECTORBut you're unqualified?
WATSONDash it all inspector Bastard, we solved the Hound of the Baskervilles, the Red Headed League..
HOLMESMysteries to try the wit and instinct of the all the greatest minds. Why did the dog not bark in the night time? How did it glow so evilly? Why were there sinister red hairs at so many differing crime scenes?
INSPECTORA big dog painted yellow and an evil league of gingers, you made that all up. Frankly you chaps are taking the piss, I've been looking at your invoices.
HOLMESWell we have to charge for our...
INSPECTORMr Holmes to be blunt you are an unqualified mercenary, responsible for several hundred extremely dubious arrests. Some of which lead to executions. And you are a known heroin addict, cohabiting with an ex "medical doctor" with extensive links to Afghanistan.
WATSONOh Holmes, you total cunt. I told you pretending to solve crimes for an intellectualy retarded police officer was a stupid idea.
HOLMESOk I confess Inspector, I have indeed been stringing poor old Lestrade along. I needed the funds for my greatest investigation to date.
INSPECTORThis should be amusing, go on enlighten me; some sort of Scottish midget headbutting gentlemen to death in the scrotal area? The nuts sack of lots of harm?
HOLMESNo inspector Count Otto Von Zepellin flies his new flying machine across Europe, including over Transylvania legendary home of the dreaded vampire, then less than a year later london prostitutes fall to the dreaded murderer known as Jack the Ripper.
INSPECTORWhat the hell are you blathering on about you opium addled lunatic?HOLMESSupposing Count Zeppellin's Zepellin had flown into a bat, but this bat was the dread count Vlad Dracule in bat form. He bites the Zepellin which now patrols London's night skies praying on prostitute, chopping their bodies with it's mighty propellor to conseal it's monsterous crimes. Jack the Ripper is a vampire Zepellin
!INSPECTORAnd related to 2 European royal families. You never were on the square were you Mr Holmes?
HOLMESOh buttocks.
INSPECTOR SHOOTS BOTH WATSON AND HOLMES BEFORE REARRANGING THE BODIES TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DOING NAUGHTY THINGS TO EACH OTHER AND THEN KILLED THEM SELVES.INSPECTOR LEAVES THE HOUSE, THERE IS A LOW DRONE.HE LOOKS UP AND SEE'S A GIANT ZEPELLIN WITH A CAPE FLOATING IN THE SKY ABOVE.
INSPECTOREvening your grace.
VAMPIRE ZEPELLINMu ha ha!
KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HOLMESAah a firm knock on the door that must be Inspector Lestrade.WATSONDash it Holmes how did you know?
HOLMESIt's the rhythmic knocking of a regimented mind, with the firm tap of a hand used to wrestling felons, but softened by the leather of Metropolitan police issue gloves.
WATSONHolmes you never cease to amaze me, you are as brilliant as you are handsome.
INSPECTOR BASTARD COMES IN.I
NSPECTORYou lying faker you peaked out the curtain.
HOLMESYou're not Inspector Lestrade.
INSPECTORNo I'm Inspector Isa Bastard. Inspector Lestrarde is under investigation by Scotland Yard internal affairs.
HOLMESImplicated in a fiendish murder plot. Perhaps Chinese Triads and my nemesis Moriarty the professor of evil, are right now planning to assassinate the queen with an enromous Afghani killer suirrel. With dependable Lestrade out of the way, I'm the next obvious target, So you need the services of I, Sherlock Holmes London's number one consulting detective to investigate?
WATSONThat's briliant Holmes you polymath, you beautiful polymath.
INSPECTORIn a word, no. He's under investigation for subcontracting out murder investigations to unqualified civilians. Mr Holmes what actually is a consulting detective?HOLMESWell I'm an independent expert in criminology and investigations. A foresnic expert, unhampered by the heavy weight of a police mans' badge. An expert on the dark recess's of the criminal mind..
INSPECTORBut you're unqualified?
WATSONDash it all inspector Bastard, we solved the Hound of the Baskervilles, the Red Headed League..
HOLMESMysteries to try the wit and instinct of the all the greatest minds. Why did the dog not bark in the night time? How did it glow so evilly? Why were there sinister red hairs at so many differing crime scenes?
INSPECTORA big dog painted yellow and an evil league of gingers, you made that all up. Frankly you chaps are taking the piss, I've been looking at your invoices.
HOLMESWell we have to charge for our...
INSPECTORMr Holmes to be blunt you are an unqualified mercenary, responsible for several hundred extremely dubious arrests. Some of which lead to executions. And you are a known heroin addict, cohabiting with an ex "medical doctor" with extensive links to Afghanistan.
WATSONOh Holmes, you total cunt. I told you pretending to solve crimes for an intellectualy retarded police officer was a stupid idea.
HOLMESOk I confess Inspector, I have indeed been stringing poor old Lestrade along. I needed the funds for my greatest investigation to date.
INSPECTORThis should be amusing, go on enlighten me; some sort of Scottish midget headbutting gentlemen to death in the scrotal area? The nuts sack of lots of harm?
HOLMESNo inspector Count Otto Von Zepellin flies his new flying machine across Europe, including over Transylvania legendary home of the dreaded vampire, then less than a year later london prostitutes fall to the dreaded murderer known as Jack the Ripper.
INSPECTORWhat the hell are you blathering on about you opium addled lunatic?HOLMESSupposing Count Zeppellin's Zepellin had flown into a bat, but this bat was the dread count Vlad Dracule in bat form. He bites the Zepellin which now patrols London's night skies praying on prostitute, chopping their bodies with it's mighty propellor to conseal it's monsterous crimes. Jack the Ripper is a vampire Zepellin
!INSPECTORAnd related to 2 European royal families. You never were on the square were you Mr Holmes?
HOLMESOh buttocks.
INSPECTOR SHOOTS BOTH WATSON AND HOLMES BEFORE REARRANGING THE BODIES TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DOING NAUGHTY THINGS TO EACH OTHER AND THEN KILLED THEM SELVES.INSPECTOR LEAVES THE HOUSE, THERE IS A LOW DRONE.HE LOOKS UP AND SEE'S A GIANT ZEPELLIN WITH A CAPE FLOATING IN THE SKY ABOVE.
INSPECTOREvening your grace.
VAMPIRE ZEPELLINMu ha ha!
2 sketches you lucky people
HOLMES AND WATSON ARE SITTING IN THEIR DRAWING ROOM.KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HOLMES
Aah a firm knock on the door that must be Inspector Lestrade.WATSONDash it Holmes how did you know?
HOLMES
It's the rhythmic knocking of a regimented mind, with the firm tap of a hand used to wrestling felons, but softened by the leather of Metropolitan police issue gloves.
WATSON
Holmes you never cease to amaze me, you are as brilliant as you are handsome.
INSPECTOR BASTARD COMES IN.
INSPECTOR
You lying faker you peaked out the curtain.
HOLMESYou're not Inspector Lestrade.
INSPECTORNo I'm Inspector Isa Bastard. Inspector Lestrarde is under investigation by Scotland Yard internal affairs.
HOLMES
Implicated in a fiendish murder plot. Perhaps Chinese Triads and my nemesis Moriarty the professor of evil, are right now planning to assassinate the queen with an enromous Afghani killer suirrel. With dependable Lestrade out of the way, I'm the next obvious target, So you need the services of I, Sherlock Holmes London's number one consulting detective to investigate?
WATSON
That's briliant Holmes you polymath, you beautiful polymath.
INSPECTOR
In a word, no. He's under investigation for subcontracting out murder investigations to unqualified civilians. Mr Holmes what actually is a consulting detective?
HOLMES
Well I'm an independent expert in criminology and investigations. A foresnic expert, unhampered by the heavy weight of a police mans' badge. An expert on the dark recess's of the criminal mind..
INSPECTORBut you're unqualified?
WATSON
Dash it all inspector Bastard, we solved the Hound of the Baskervilles, the Red Headed League..
HOLMES
Mysteries to try the wit and instinct of the all the greatest minds. Why did the dog not bark in the night time? How did it glow so evilly? Why were there sinister red hairs at so many differing crime scenes?
INSPECTOR
A big dog painted yellow and an evil league of gingers, you made that all up. Frankly you chaps are taking the piss, I've been looking at your invoices.
HOLMES
Well we have to charge for our...
INSPECTOR
Mr Holmes to be blunt you are an unqualified mercenary, responsible for several hundred extremely dubious arrests. Some of which lead to executions. And you are a known heroin addict, cohabiting with an ex "medical doctor" with extensive links to Afghanistan.
WATSON
Oh Holmes, you total cunt. I told you pretending to solve crimes for an intellectualy retarded police officer was a stupid idea.
HOLMES
Ok I confess Inspector, I have indeed been stringing poor old Lestrade along. I needed the funds for my greatest investigation to date.
INSPECTOR
This should be amusing, go on enlighten me; some sort of Scottish midget headbutting gentlemen to death in the scrotal area? The nuts sack of lots of harm?
HOLMES
No inspector Count Otto Von Zepellin flies his new flying machine across Europe, including over Transylvania legendary home of the dreaded vampire, then less than a year later london prostitutes fall to the dreaded murderer known as Jack the Ripper.
INSPECTOR
What the hell are you blathering on about you opium addled lunatic?
HOLMES
Supposing Count Zeppellin's Zepellin had flown into a bat, but this bat was the dread count Vlad Dracule in bat form. He bites the Zepellin which now patrols London's night skies praying on prostitute, chopping their bodies with it's mighty propellor to conseal it's monsterous crimes. Jack the Ripper is a vampire Zepellin!
INSPECTOR
And related to 2 European royal families. You never were on the square were you Mr Holmes?HOLMES
Oh buttocks.
INSPECTOR SHOOTS BOTH WATSON AND HOLMES BEFORE REARRANGING THE BODIES TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DOING NAUGHTY THINGS TO EACH OTHER AND THEN KILLED THEM SELVES.INSPECTOR LEAVES THE HOUSE, THERE IS A LOW DRONE.HE LOOKS UP AND SEE'S A GIANT ZEPELLIN WITH A CAPE FLOATING IN THE SKY ABOVE.I
NSPECTOR
Evening your grace.
VAMPIRE
ha ha!
MAN IN A DIY STORE BUMPS INTO GOD.
MAN
Excuse do you mine, but are you erm you know.
GODYes it's me God, in a DIY store.
MANOh are you (sniggers) working on a far less ambitious project?
GODYes as a matter of I am. Oh you were making a fatuos joke I get that all the time create the universe and people take the piss when you want to do some decking.
MANOh right and keep that Jesus out of the carpentry supplies. He'll only get hammered and then the police will nail him.GODYou're joking about my sons' murder.MANWell you resurrected him.
GODThat's scarcely the point. Hey want to see something funny? Watch this, oi Noah!
NOAH WHO IS IN THE NEXT AISLE LOOKS ROUND IN TERROR.
GODBuild me a giant outdoor shitter, a 1000 cubits by a 1000 cubits. And fill it with 2 of every animal. For I will smite the earth with a terrible flood of diarea in one week.
NOAHYour word is my command oh Lord, but I could I not finish my out door
BBQ first?
GODNo out door BBQs are an abomination!
MAN(laughing) Oh God you are a devil, winding up the poor old git.GODI never joke.MAN EXPLODES IN A SHOWER OF EXCREMENT.NOAH IS COVERED
NOAHFine I get the point I'll get started.
KHALI WALKS PAST PUSHING A TROLLEY WITH 4 STRIMMERS IN IT.
GODOi Khali can you really trim the bushes in the Garden of Eden four times as fast?
Saturday, 6 June 2009
A shocking case.
Dr Sardonicus was disturbed by the latest case of sever child abuse in the papers. The poor girl was starved to death by her aparently sane but sadistic parents. Social services turned up 3 times and each time the parents wouldn't let them in.
Eh?
Why didn't they call the police? I mean what were they expecting? The abusers to come out and say it's a fair cop guv you've got us banged to rights. Are modern socials services being trained in investigation by watching old episodes of Dixon of Dockgreen?
Perhaps part of the problem that know one talks about is the world of malicious calls to social services. Amongst a certain class of personage (they aspire to swear on Jeremy Kyle, took the pram to Woolworths on closing day and think Brighthouse is a bargain you know who you are), a call to social services to make an anonymous call is a hellfire missile strike from a Predator.
Neighbour think she's better than herself, boyfriend shagging some one else, or jsut bored?
Then why not accuse them of child abuse, cannibalism or doing things to the Doberman Barbara Woodhouse wouldn't have aproved of.
Dr Sardonicus supposes the only real answer is to judge each other less. I mean with less shame about needing help and not being able to cope, then maybe those who really do have problems will stand out more.
Funny terrorists
There is one thing that Dr Sardonicus thinks is ace about Hamas, only one thing mind.
And that is they seem to have a rather wicked sense of humour.
David Hare in his latest essay on the wall (the 15 meter high Israeli one, Mr Hare seems fairly ambivalent about Pink Floyd's seminal album). He describes how their latest form of torture is to show the victim a drawing of a bicycle at the top of a flight of stairs. If said victim can go and fetch the bicycle they won't beat them savagely.
Bloody genius, it's the kind of torture Dr Sardonicus would invent. Postmodern and making the poor victim realise they're the victim of a Chris Morris style prank even as you womp them (could he be in Hamas has anyone seen him in a balaclava?)
But it goes further every one's heard of Farfour right? Hamas produced a TV program for kids in Gaza which stars Farfour. Farfour is a man in a rubbish Mickey Mouse costume with a squeaky voice who encourages eager young beavers to go out and be good citizens (kinda like Blue Peter but with suicide bombings instead of building Tracy Island), that is until the Mossad beat him to death. He was then replaced by a rabbit in funny trousers who declared he was going to eat the flesh of the Zionists. Remember this is a giant rabbit.
The ultimate punchline being good old Farfour, his brother the rabbit and another one which was a bee, were the kids of a rather ordinary elderly Palestinian couple. Now that is funny.
They never seemed to film the scene where Daddy Farfour said to Mummy Farfour,
"Darling one of our kids is a giant mouse, another a rabbit and the third is a talking bee are you an interspecies slapper?"
This is the kind of propaganda The League of Gentlemen would make.
So why is Dr Sardonicus musing upon the sense of Hamas?
Because this week The Red Rose a radical US gay rights group delivered their protest at Obama's speech to the White House. Can Dr Sardonicus say eh? Hamas kill gay people, Israel doesn't. Infact Israel's record on gay human rights is rather good.
Dr Sardonicus supposes that in the past terrible wars have driven oposing groups into each others arms. Communists, royalists, anarchists all fought Germany, heck even fascists towards the end. But Israel isn't Nazi Germany, it isn't occupying multiple countries at once and threatening to snuff out the flickering light of freedom for ever. So why are radical gay groups helping homophobic guys with rifles and hard hearts (and a wicked sense of humour) get their message across? Let's leave for the moment that President Obama's speech was blandly middle of the road (Dr Sardonicus was surprised he didn't suggest cats would sleep with dogs and give birth to mice).
The answer is they lost. Or it feels to them that they did, them and the million people who marched against the Iraq war. Communism collapsed women won equal rights in employment and other areas and carried on pretty much doing what they'd done before, but on equal pay. The revoloution was over.
More on this in another blog. But in the mean time please remember your enemies enemy is not neccasairly your friend. He may well be a loony in a balaclava shouting at some to fetch an imaginary bike whilst he kicks them up the arse.
He may even be a flesh eating giant rabbit. Neither are much use in the fight for equal rights.
And that is they seem to have a rather wicked sense of humour.
David Hare in his latest essay on the wall (the 15 meter high Israeli one, Mr Hare seems fairly ambivalent about Pink Floyd's seminal album). He describes how their latest form of torture is to show the victim a drawing of a bicycle at the top of a flight of stairs. If said victim can go and fetch the bicycle they won't beat them savagely.
Bloody genius, it's the kind of torture Dr Sardonicus would invent. Postmodern and making the poor victim realise they're the victim of a Chris Morris style prank even as you womp them (could he be in Hamas has anyone seen him in a balaclava?)
But it goes further every one's heard of Farfour right? Hamas produced a TV program for kids in Gaza which stars Farfour. Farfour is a man in a rubbish Mickey Mouse costume with a squeaky voice who encourages eager young beavers to go out and be good citizens (kinda like Blue Peter but with suicide bombings instead of building Tracy Island), that is until the Mossad beat him to death. He was then replaced by a rabbit in funny trousers who declared he was going to eat the flesh of the Zionists. Remember this is a giant rabbit.
The ultimate punchline being good old Farfour, his brother the rabbit and another one which was a bee, were the kids of a rather ordinary elderly Palestinian couple. Now that is funny.
They never seemed to film the scene where Daddy Farfour said to Mummy Farfour,
"Darling one of our kids is a giant mouse, another a rabbit and the third is a talking bee are you an interspecies slapper?"
This is the kind of propaganda The League of Gentlemen would make.
So why is Dr Sardonicus musing upon the sense of Hamas?
Because this week The Red Rose a radical US gay rights group delivered their protest at Obama's speech to the White House. Can Dr Sardonicus say eh? Hamas kill gay people, Israel doesn't. Infact Israel's record on gay human rights is rather good.
Dr Sardonicus supposes that in the past terrible wars have driven oposing groups into each others arms. Communists, royalists, anarchists all fought Germany, heck even fascists towards the end. But Israel isn't Nazi Germany, it isn't occupying multiple countries at once and threatening to snuff out the flickering light of freedom for ever. So why are radical gay groups helping homophobic guys with rifles and hard hearts (and a wicked sense of humour) get their message across? Let's leave for the moment that President Obama's speech was blandly middle of the road (Dr Sardonicus was surprised he didn't suggest cats would sleep with dogs and give birth to mice).
The answer is they lost. Or it feels to them that they did, them and the million people who marched against the Iraq war. Communism collapsed women won equal rights in employment and other areas and carried on pretty much doing what they'd done before, but on equal pay. The revoloution was over.
More on this in another blog. But in the mean time please remember your enemies enemy is not neccasairly your friend. He may well be a loony in a balaclava shouting at some to fetch an imaginary bike whilst he kicks them up the arse.
He may even be a flesh eating giant rabbit. Neither are much use in the fight for equal rights.
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Some of Dr Sardonicus's writings.
Dr Sardonicus feels he should share some of his writings with you his loyal, loyal fans.
You may be a serial killer if...
You watch CSI like it's a DIY program.
You're disapointed by nudey porn becuase the skins still on.
The voice telling you to kill some one is only drowned out by
The voice telling you to kill everyone.
You've relaid your patio 5 times and isn't it time for a 6th?
You're a HGV driver.
When Sir Alan points at you on telly you know he's telling you to do bad things.
You smile when you see hitchhikers.
You're a dyslexic, obsessive topical sketch writer who works for social services.
You've got a porn video with the snare scene from Watership Down and the bit where Bambi's mum gets offed.
You're dog won't fucking shut up! It may be the voice of God but still you haven't slept in a week.
You've been kicked out of all the Hannibal Lecter films for shouting pussy and aamateur at the screen.
Drawn Apart
JILL IS ASLEEP AND PREGNANT TONY SITS BY HER SIDE ON THE BED.TONY STICKS HIS HAND UNDER THE DUVET AND PULLS OUT A CUSHION AND IS ABOUT TO PUSH A BIGGER ONE IN IT'S PLACE.JILL SITS UP (WITHOUT A BABY BUMP)
JILL
I bloody knew it you faked our pregnancy! But why Tony? It's horrible.
TONY
I just thought if you thought were pregnant you wouldn't leave me.
JILL
How long Tony? How long? We've been married for 15 years we've had 3 kids.
TONY
About that...haven't you ever wandered why Julian, Edgar and Winifred are always playing at the end of the garden?
JILLThey're healthy out doorsy kids. Oh you didn't you wouldn't, you couldn't could you?
JILL GOES TO THE WINDOW PULLS OPEN THE CURTAIN THERE ARE 3 CHILDREN CRUDELY PAINTED ON THE WINDOW.SHE RUBS ONE OF THE PAINTINGS.
JILL
You bastard they're painted on! Get out you liar! Mother said I'd end up with a man just like dad.
TONY
Fine I'm going. And I'm taking the cat! Mr Whiskers. Fine stay you ingrate.
WE SEE THE CAT IS DRAWN ON THE WALL.HE STORMS OUT.
JILL
Oh thank God I thought he'd never go, you can come up from the end of the garden Fabio.
SHE PULLS BACK THE OTHER CURTAIN TO REVEAL A CRUDE DRAWING OF FABIO ON THE WINDOW.
You may be a serial killer if...
You watch CSI like it's a DIY program.
You're disapointed by nudey porn becuase the skins still on.
The voice telling you to kill some one is only drowned out by
The voice telling you to kill everyone.
You've relaid your patio 5 times and isn't it time for a 6th?
You're a HGV driver.
When Sir Alan points at you on telly you know he's telling you to do bad things.
You smile when you see hitchhikers.
You're a dyslexic, obsessive topical sketch writer who works for social services.
You've got a porn video with the snare scene from Watership Down and the bit where Bambi's mum gets offed.
You're dog won't fucking shut up! It may be the voice of God but still you haven't slept in a week.
You've been kicked out of all the Hannibal Lecter films for shouting pussy and aamateur at the screen.
Drawn Apart
JILL IS ASLEEP AND PREGNANT TONY SITS BY HER SIDE ON THE BED.TONY STICKS HIS HAND UNDER THE DUVET AND PULLS OUT A CUSHION AND IS ABOUT TO PUSH A BIGGER ONE IN IT'S PLACE.JILL SITS UP (WITHOUT A BABY BUMP)
JILL
I bloody knew it you faked our pregnancy! But why Tony? It's horrible.
TONY
I just thought if you thought were pregnant you wouldn't leave me.
JILL
How long Tony? How long? We've been married for 15 years we've had 3 kids.
TONY
About that...haven't you ever wandered why Julian, Edgar and Winifred are always playing at the end of the garden?
JILLThey're healthy out doorsy kids. Oh you didn't you wouldn't, you couldn't could you?
JILL GOES TO THE WINDOW PULLS OPEN THE CURTAIN THERE ARE 3 CHILDREN CRUDELY PAINTED ON THE WINDOW.SHE RUBS ONE OF THE PAINTINGS.
JILL
You bastard they're painted on! Get out you liar! Mother said I'd end up with a man just like dad.
TONY
Fine I'm going. And I'm taking the cat! Mr Whiskers. Fine stay you ingrate.
WE SEE THE CAT IS DRAWN ON THE WALL.HE STORMS OUT.
JILL
Oh thank God I thought he'd never go, you can come up from the end of the garden Fabio.
SHE PULLS BACK THE OTHER CURTAIN TO REVEAL A CRUDE DRAWING OF FABIO ON THE WINDOW.
Monday, 1 June 2009
Dyslexia
And now for the world's most unsurprising confession.
Dr Sardonicus is dyslexic (as any of you eye spy chief's will have surmised as his f@@king adress for his blog is misspelled).
Or is he? Dr Sardonicus was tested for dyslexia after driving atleast one professor at Birmingham Uni into a breakdown of Susan Boyle proportions (though fortunately with out the lusting after Piers Morgan weirdness [a reason for a trip to the Priory for anyone {heck I'd lock him up for liking himself}]). The result was Dr Sardonicus has the spelling ability and word recogniton of HAL after he humped the OED. But the memory skills of a chimpanzee that had just had it's brain served up as a desert to Peter Andre.
Is this dylsexia? The very nice psychiatirst administering the test answer seemed to be
"Probably, or maybe not either way you're not right."
An accurate judgement and well worth the 500 squids of your taxes it cost. But it's always been there for Dr Sardonicus, whose greatest works of writings may be mildly amusing but would require Alan Turing and Bletchley Park to spell check (which Dr Sardonicu visited the other week and would highly reccomend especially the tour). Infact Dr Sardonicus at meetings and training has to conciously shut himself up. As the mismatch between his verbal skills and later work has convinced a great many people he surely must be taking the piss (if only). Rather like a parrot left in the room of Albert Einstein, it may sound great but if you hire it to build an atomic bomb all you're going to get is a very mess lab.
At one point Dr Sardonicu was pondering if his problems maybe on the Autistic Spectrum . At which point a slightly cheaper psychologist suggested that Dr Sardonicus could probably sufficently bull shit any test to convince people he was anything. Which raises the question,
How does Dr Sardonicus make psychologists et al feel so comfortable being blunt?
Frankly Freud would have probably said to him,
"It's not your mothers fault you're just a bit of an arse who should learn to spell."
Dr Sardonicus was thinking of joining a dyslexia support group, but who'd have been able to read their placards?
Dr Sardonicus is dyslexic (as any of you eye spy chief's will have surmised as his f@@king adress for his blog is misspelled).
Or is he? Dr Sardonicus was tested for dyslexia after driving atleast one professor at Birmingham Uni into a breakdown of Susan Boyle proportions (though fortunately with out the lusting after Piers Morgan weirdness [a reason for a trip to the Priory for anyone {heck I'd lock him up for liking himself}]). The result was Dr Sardonicus has the spelling ability and word recogniton of HAL after he humped the OED. But the memory skills of a chimpanzee that had just had it's brain served up as a desert to Peter Andre.
Is this dylsexia? The very nice psychiatirst administering the test answer seemed to be
"Probably, or maybe not either way you're not right."
An accurate judgement and well worth the 500 squids of your taxes it cost. But it's always been there for Dr Sardonicus, whose greatest works of writings may be mildly amusing but would require Alan Turing and Bletchley Park to spell check (which Dr Sardonicu visited the other week and would highly reccomend especially the tour). Infact Dr Sardonicus at meetings and training has to conciously shut himself up. As the mismatch between his verbal skills and later work has convinced a great many people he surely must be taking the piss (if only). Rather like a parrot left in the room of Albert Einstein, it may sound great but if you hire it to build an atomic bomb all you're going to get is a very mess lab.
At one point Dr Sardonicu was pondering if his problems maybe on the Autistic Spectrum . At which point a slightly cheaper psychologist suggested that Dr Sardonicus could probably sufficently bull shit any test to convince people he was anything. Which raises the question,
How does Dr Sardonicus make psychologists et al feel so comfortable being blunt?
Frankly Freud would have probably said to him,
"It's not your mothers fault you're just a bit of an arse who should learn to spell."
Dr Sardonicus was thinking of joining a dyslexia support group, but who'd have been able to read their placards?
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
A rare stroll into Zionism.
A few months ago I found myself at a proIsrael rally in Trafalgar square. An odd place for me to be. I'm not the worlds strongest Zionist and this was a rally to support Israel in the midst of it's latest Gaza incursion. (it was supposedly propreace in the same way Bernard Mathews prohealthy eating). I'd read a particularly asinine article by Naomi Klein saying how one should boycott Israel rather than America, as Israel was smaller and more vulnerable. Sounded like bullying and that wasn't something I approved of (well except for Chimpanzee they always seem to do it in an amusingly cannibalistic way). So I turned up and was unimpressed. We seemed (we being the officials of the Anglo Jewish community) to be shrill, humourless. We seemed to be missing something, but what?
This was reinforced for me when the Board of Deputies (of British Jews) seemed to put a lot of effort into getting Jewdas (a radical group) arrested for circulating a false email claiming the march was called off. A stupid prank, Board seemed quite humourlessly to want to turn into prison time. What was up?
Then a few months later Caryl Churchill released “7 Jewish children” A rather partial, but brilliant account of the history of Israel through the experiences of 7 generations of one family. And in response from somewhere (not within the community came “7 Other Children”. A play in response that was bad in the same way that popping out for a fag on the Hindenberg was bad.
This play told the story of 7 generations of Palestinian families. Their stories seemed to be suicide bombing, spitting (lots of spitting - might I recommend Bob Carolgees for a future performance?) and at one point either bigging up the Bader Meinhoff or the Nazis? I' m not sure but then, I suspect, neither was the playwright.
Why was this unfortunate play pointing at these people shouting "you’re as bad if not worse than us." Pointing at them as they sit in their unfortunate ghettos. It seemed wrong? And still something was missing? But what?
The answer is that we've given up our narrative. At some point we seem to have stopped telling our story. Israel's story is a great and noble one, filled with moments of courage and moments of regret. Listen to our representatives and you hear the same lifeless recitation of fact and history.
Why can't we talk about the Sephardim and the Ethiopians who fled persecution? Why can't we talk about the surreal evacuation of Gaza where protestor and policeman stage managed riots and prayed together?
We are obsessed with winning the factual argument and ignore the emotional one. But it's the emotional one that will decide whether people boycott or vote, and all those other things we so fear.
Maybe if we told the story of expulsion and Diaspora people might understand just how hard it will be for Jews to take Jews’ homes from them.
Otherwise we are in real danger of reducing our story to: got picked on, suffered the Holocaust, got a country, built a wall around it.
We are a nation not a property program.
This was reinforced for me when the Board of Deputies (of British Jews) seemed to put a lot of effort into getting Jewdas (a radical group) arrested for circulating a false email claiming the march was called off. A stupid prank, Board seemed quite humourlessly to want to turn into prison time. What was up?
Then a few months later Caryl Churchill released “7 Jewish children” A rather partial, but brilliant account of the history of Israel through the experiences of 7 generations of one family. And in response from somewhere (not within the community came “7 Other Children”. A play in response that was bad in the same way that popping out for a fag on the Hindenberg was bad.
This play told the story of 7 generations of Palestinian families. Their stories seemed to be suicide bombing, spitting (lots of spitting - might I recommend Bob Carolgees for a future performance?) and at one point either bigging up the Bader Meinhoff or the Nazis? I' m not sure but then, I suspect, neither was the playwright.
Why was this unfortunate play pointing at these people shouting "you’re as bad if not worse than us." Pointing at them as they sit in their unfortunate ghettos. It seemed wrong? And still something was missing? But what?
The answer is that we've given up our narrative. At some point we seem to have stopped telling our story. Israel's story is a great and noble one, filled with moments of courage and moments of regret. Listen to our representatives and you hear the same lifeless recitation of fact and history.
Why can't we talk about the Sephardim and the Ethiopians who fled persecution? Why can't we talk about the surreal evacuation of Gaza where protestor and policeman stage managed riots and prayed together?
We are obsessed with winning the factual argument and ignore the emotional one. But it's the emotional one that will decide whether people boycott or vote, and all those other things we so fear.
Maybe if we told the story of expulsion and Diaspora people might understand just how hard it will be for Jews to take Jews’ homes from them.
Otherwise we are in real danger of reducing our story to: got picked on, suffered the Holocaust, got a country, built a wall around it.
We are a nation not a property program.
Monday, 25 May 2009
Irish abuse report my 2 pennies.
Can anything positive come out of the awful abuse scandals in Ireland? I suppose there is one possibility...
Why not reopen one Industrial school, just the one mind. And instead of filling it with misfortunate impoverished kids, why not fill it with shouty, Tax dodging Oirish celebs.
Bono, Geldoff that bloke who writes boring books about eating his mum (Angelas Hashes?). Then beat and abuse them until they agree to pay taxes and stop telling the rest of the world how to live their lives, whilst never mentioning in any serious way the problems in their homeland.
Oh and dresses in black, doesn't have sex, obeys an old bloke in a robe? Priests are far to similar to Darth Vader to be put in charge of kids.
Why not reopen one Industrial school, just the one mind. And instead of filling it with misfortunate impoverished kids, why not fill it with shouty, Tax dodging Oirish celebs.
Bono, Geldoff that bloke who writes boring books about eating his mum (Angelas Hashes?). Then beat and abuse them until they agree to pay taxes and stop telling the rest of the world how to live their lives, whilst never mentioning in any serious way the problems in their homeland.
Oh and dresses in black, doesn't have sex, obeys an old bloke in a robe? Priests are far to similar to Darth Vader to be put in charge of kids.
Dr Sardonicus's fabulous excuses.
Having studied the news of late Dr Sardonicus has discovered a cunning excuse, a perfect excuse an excuse fit for any situation. It is of course the BNP excuse!
Yes any crapulent, criminal or stupid behviour can be excused by the following expression.
"Don't say that the BNP might get in!"
Eating soup with your face in the bowl, kicking puppies, voting for the BNP.
All excusable by the simple explanation that criticising said behaviour could lead to the BNP taking over; eating all foreigners, burning the Queen and forcing everyone else to languish in gulags making endless gay porn films for BNP MPs which of course they won't watch.
It beats the old fashioned "There's a war on terror" and the classic "It's a security issue."
Dr Sardonicus is planning on stealing a shopping trolley full of beer and the collection tin shaped like a blind kid from his Sainsbury's. If challenged by security he will chant 3 times
"There's a war on terror, the BNP might get in and it's a security issue."
An excuse so incredible he could probably get away with burning the Sainsbury's to the ground.
Aparently Jack Straw has already done this several times.
Dr Sardonicus sometimes wonders if Swivel eyed, podgy pretend Nazi Nick Griffin reads the Guardian (with a junior Penguin dictionary for the big scary words) quietly crying. Wondering if he's so likely to turn the UK into the 5th Reich no one seems to be voting for him.
That said Dr Sardonicus say's go out and vote citizens. But don't vote fascist, vote stupid.
Let's stuff the EU with every hairbrained loony candidate we can find. Monster Raving Loony, that bloke down the pub who thinks Alien's probed him, Yogic flyers. Frankly all those idiots earning millions in exies could even jump start our economu.
That said Dave Cameron says anyone can run for the Conservatives...
hmm a vote for Dr Sardonicus?
Yes any crapulent, criminal or stupid behviour can be excused by the following expression.
"Don't say that the BNP might get in!"
Eating soup with your face in the bowl, kicking puppies, voting for the BNP.
All excusable by the simple explanation that criticising said behaviour could lead to the BNP taking over; eating all foreigners, burning the Queen and forcing everyone else to languish in gulags making endless gay porn films for BNP MPs which of course they won't watch.
It beats the old fashioned "There's a war on terror" and the classic "It's a security issue."
Dr Sardonicus is planning on stealing a shopping trolley full of beer and the collection tin shaped like a blind kid from his Sainsbury's. If challenged by security he will chant 3 times
"There's a war on terror, the BNP might get in and it's a security issue."
An excuse so incredible he could probably get away with burning the Sainsbury's to the ground.
Aparently Jack Straw has already done this several times.
Dr Sardonicus sometimes wonders if Swivel eyed, podgy pretend Nazi Nick Griffin reads the Guardian (with a junior Penguin dictionary for the big scary words) quietly crying. Wondering if he's so likely to turn the UK into the 5th Reich no one seems to be voting for him.
That said Dr Sardonicus say's go out and vote citizens. But don't vote fascist, vote stupid.
Let's stuff the EU with every hairbrained loony candidate we can find. Monster Raving Loony, that bloke down the pub who thinks Alien's probed him, Yogic flyers. Frankly all those idiots earning millions in exies could even jump start our economu.
That said Dave Cameron says anyone can run for the Conservatives...
hmm a vote for Dr Sardonicus?
So Dr Sardonicus is pondering is democracy a thing? And the fact that this probably means he can't think of anything funny to write. For example;
He saw a vampire comedian yesterday, he went for the jugular and hit a rich vein of comedy. Unlike the zombie miner comedy, he was dead boring.
See bloody awful.
So back to my rather pompous long winded point.
India has just finished it's elections and whilst a government is being formed, none of the commentators seem to seriously think this is a government that'll do anything to deal with poverty or corruption. Where as China (anything but democratic) is going through a massive
Friday, 22 May 2009
Oh captain my captain.
Hello again Peeps!
Dr Sardonicus is an unusually ebulient mood. I just completed a City and Guilds training course in how to train. And may have found something I'm good at. Training is alot like doing standup comedy except it lasts 7 hours instead of 5 minutes, you use powerpoint and no one shout's
"fuck off the stage you unfunny fat bastard, we want the unfunny blond with big tits."
I chose to do my teaching piece on how to tell Rule of 3 gags thinking that'd be a breeze. Only to find myself near weeping infront of my laptop as I couldn't think of a single clean one for my presentation.
1000s of sailors went down on the Titanic, the Lusitania and your missus.
Testicles, knickers and VAT no one cares when Darling drops them.
Yes all hail the great and mighty rule of 3 gag, simple pure and effective. Kinda like the BNP but less racist. And all hail the new Dr Sardonicus super-tutor. Soon across the land lazy, indolent, english as a 3rd language students will be standing on their desks crying.
"Dr Sardonicus oh captain, my captain>"
Dr Sardonicus is an unusually ebulient mood. I just completed a City and Guilds training course in how to train. And may have found something I'm good at. Training is alot like doing standup comedy except it lasts 7 hours instead of 5 minutes, you use powerpoint and no one shout's
"fuck off the stage you unfunny fat bastard, we want the unfunny blond with big tits."
I chose to do my teaching piece on how to tell Rule of 3 gags thinking that'd be a breeze. Only to find myself near weeping infront of my laptop as I couldn't think of a single clean one for my presentation.
1000s of sailors went down on the Titanic, the Lusitania and your missus.
Testicles, knickers and VAT no one cares when Darling drops them.
Yes all hail the great and mighty rule of 3 gag, simple pure and effective. Kinda like the BNP but less racist. And all hail the new Dr Sardonicus super-tutor. Soon across the land lazy, indolent, english as a 3rd language students will be standing on their desks crying.
"Dr Sardonicus oh captain, my captain>"
Monday, 18 May 2009
Gloomy news 2
Do you ever turn on the news and feel depressed? Well the last couple of days I have.
It's not because of the rotten mess with MPs lining their fetid nests. No it's the array of idiot D list celebs saying I will run against my incumbent MP because; I've never fiddled my taxes and I used to be on that show in the 70s you might remember, it had a kazoo on it probably.
The only positive note is Kenn Dodd and Kerry Katona won't be running.
But imagine Esther Rantzen as chancellor? Or Jimmy Saville as home secretary (maybe not so bad he can say "Now then now then," like a copper already). And who would be PM? The winner of Britain's Got Talent most likely. That said as it seems most likely to be Susan Boyle that really is no improvement on Brown. They look dead similar and both may be well at the back of the queue for MENSA. Mind you a singing Gordon Brown look alike could be like an English Evita. Her offering to sing Don't Cry for me Argentina could help prevent a future war with Argentina.
It's not because of the rotten mess with MPs lining their fetid nests. No it's the array of idiot D list celebs saying I will run against my incumbent MP because; I've never fiddled my taxes and I used to be on that show in the 70s you might remember, it had a kazoo on it probably.
The only positive note is Kenn Dodd and Kerry Katona won't be running.
But imagine Esther Rantzen as chancellor? Or Jimmy Saville as home secretary (maybe not so bad he can say "Now then now then," like a copper already). And who would be PM? The winner of Britain's Got Talent most likely. That said as it seems most likely to be Susan Boyle that really is no improvement on Brown. They look dead similar and both may be well at the back of the queue for MENSA. Mind you a singing Gordon Brown look alike could be like an English Evita. Her offering to sing Don't Cry for me Argentina could help prevent a future war with Argentina.
Sunday, 17 May 2009
How I believe I can save the nation.
I have a confession, it's a bit shameful...but here goes.
I don't care about MP's expenses.
I actually feel a bit safer knowing a politician is lining his or her pockets a little. A politician isn't is obviously a principled politician and they scare me. The politico who isn't trousering an additional £400 for food they didn't eat (bet know one questioned Prescott on that one), is probably the one who's into nationalising banks, euthanasia or making foreign types use diferent toilets. Essentially all the things an MP who is busy claiming his dead granny is his press adviser and he needs to eat 2 tonnes of toffee a month (and needs 3oo toilets to deposit it in) hasn't got time for.
That said I am sick and disgusted of the bloody fibbing to cover this up. I can't reveal that I flipped my house 3 times in case Osama Bin Laden opens an estate agent (looking at the property market maybe he did). It intefers with my ability to do my job if I have to reveal my second home is Narnia and I paid the mortgage off before the time of the White Witch.
I suggest we should place MP's requirements under the perview of Social Services. Families can apply to foster an MP. I rather like the idea of William Hague being looked after by a nice gay couple (I suspect so does he). And Jaqui Smith being told she can't ban other kids from her birthday party just because she's Home Secretary.
I'd especially like to hear about Karren Mathews being given responsibility for naughty George Galloway.
I don't care about MP's expenses.
I actually feel a bit safer knowing a politician is lining his or her pockets a little. A politician isn't is obviously a principled politician and they scare me. The politico who isn't trousering an additional £400 for food they didn't eat (bet know one questioned Prescott on that one), is probably the one who's into nationalising banks, euthanasia or making foreign types use diferent toilets. Essentially all the things an MP who is busy claiming his dead granny is his press adviser and he needs to eat 2 tonnes of toffee a month (and needs 3oo toilets to deposit it in) hasn't got time for.
That said I am sick and disgusted of the bloody fibbing to cover this up. I can't reveal that I flipped my house 3 times in case Osama Bin Laden opens an estate agent (looking at the property market maybe he did). It intefers with my ability to do my job if I have to reveal my second home is Narnia and I paid the mortgage off before the time of the White Witch.
I suggest we should place MP's requirements under the perview of Social Services. Families can apply to foster an MP. I rather like the idea of William Hague being looked after by a nice gay couple (I suspect so does he). And Jaqui Smith being told she can't ban other kids from her birthday party just because she's Home Secretary.
I'd especially like to hear about Karren Mathews being given responsibility for naughty George Galloway.
Friday, 15 May 2009
You too can be a satirist.
Hello fellow dwellers of cyber land. I have decided to share with you the joys of what it means to be a satirist. The first thing is call yourself a satirist not a comedy writer. That way when people find you unfunny you can glower at them. Because they are either hopelessly innocent about the world or a fascist. A satirist is never unfunny merely misunderstood.
Number 2 write reams of topical sketches and send them out to; stage shows (who will use them if if they use words ruder than bum and imply everyone in power is gay), the BBC who will ignore them and MPs. MPs won't produce them but if you're sufficently offenisve may have Special Branch beat you up (which is better than being ignored).
Or you can write songs. If you can rhyme Gordon Brown and arsehole to the tune of Agadoo then you could be a musical satirist.
More likely you'll end up spending all your time on a forum for comedy writers. These can be quite fun especially once you've selected a hilarious comedy nom de plume. Maybe Hugh-suck or Badger-badger-badger. Because basically it's only your brother (or sister) comedy writers who'll read your stuff. Some forums have been known to descend into self anihilating madness as each writer pretends to be the BBC Head of comedy and gives their papal blessing to all the other writers.
Oh and do write some actual jokes. Easy to forget that most people do like jokes. Normal straight forward joke type things.
For example.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Cos it dissed it's mum.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Wow 2 years since I last posted! So what had Dr Sardonicus been upto? Well I was a lead gag writer for 118 118 and had my gags featured in a Sun feature on how rubbish 118 118 gags were. They refused my offer of an interview. Until I said I'd shagged Peter Andre and was Harvey's dad.
I blame my self for their divorce.
I am currently on the job market and I'm job hunting with all the enthusiasim of a chiuaha trying to mate a Great Dane. So alas I am going to have a lot less time for writing my satire.
I bet the world's leaders are giving themselves a big sigh of relief.
Still I'm sure I can squeeze an odd sketch for News Revue or two.
Any way here's a gag for you.
How did Edmund Hilary bruise his penis?
Sherpa Tensing.
I blame my self for their divorce.
I am currently on the job market and I'm job hunting with all the enthusiasim of a chiuaha trying to mate a Great Dane. So alas I am going to have a lot less time for writing my satire.
I bet the world's leaders are giving themselves a big sigh of relief.
Still I'm sure I can squeeze an odd sketch for News Revue or two.
Any way here's a gag for you.
How did Edmund Hilary bruise his penis?
Sherpa Tensing.
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