Hello again faithful reader and hasn't it been a long time? Where has Dr Sardonicus been all this time? Has the fame of having his blog promo'd on 3 diferent sites lead the good Dr to become a latter day Howard Hughes? Is he sitting in a bath of alcohol gel poking at the keyboard with 2 foot untrimmed nails? Is he dead? Is Dereck Ocora typing this for him?

No Dr Sardonicus has just been busy. Which is why it has taken him so long to offer his portentious opinion on Nick Griffin's performance on Question Time. And Sardonicus declares it to be a load of bollocks.

The whole thing looked liked Billy Bunter gets picked on by ethnic minorities. It takes a special kind of BBC incompetence to make boogle eyed Mr Toadious look sympathetic. Dear God he's going to be the mother of thingie's baby on Eastender's next or being eaten by a Komod dragon on Life.

The uninspiring sight of Nick sitting there versus;

Bonnie Greer an American Playwrite, who's soul role seemd to be to talk about herself and periodicially call Nick a fascist.

That Asian Conservative MP who gets defrosted from Carbonite every time DaveyC needs to look PC.

A Liberal Democrat, you know thingy in favour of public transport, supports Owls didn't have his boyfriend's dog shot.

Jack Straw.

Jack Straw, ah Jack Straw. Did they have to open the windows in the studio to air his sulphurous air of evil? Remove your Burqa Straw, extraordinary rendition Straw, lock up assylum seeking families in one cell STraw. And this is the face of NewLab multiculturalism?

The depressing thing is people may actually be stupid as our leader seem to think they are.

And these days that seems to be can't tell the diference between a toilet and a dishwasher stupid.

This seems to be the ultimate extension of the Shilpa Jade thing. Vote against racisim? I voted Jade out that must make none racist. In this case dislike podgy cartoon Nazi Nick Griffin, hooray I'm an anti racist. Now gets back to demand they send everybody back, who isn't installing my new kitchen or delivering my curry (but they cans od off as soon as they're finished).

Being racist does not mean being in the BNP. Being none racist does not mean booing the comical racist.

Dr Sardonicus is hiding from the rain in a small internet cafe avoiding the rain which is driving down with a vengance. And he has decided to entertain himself by doing the following things.

1 Politely reply to all the kinds offers of lottery wins and Viagra from the Horn of Africa. Perhaps reccomend they could forward them onto Gordon Brown? He needs the money more than Dr S and the other stuff, well the prick really needs to stand up for himself.


2 Send a list of new magazine ideas to kindly tyrant Rupert Murdoch; Sleat like Heat but featuring celebs being rained on, FHHem for the lad who likes to sew and maybe Out of Focus for shortsighted science fans.

3 Send some offers of viagra and lottery wins to a gullible country (Tonga always seemed abit naieve).

4 Invent a union for the Labor government as they are likely to need one rather soon. Union of Pms Losers Chancellors and other Cretins (U Pillocks).

5 Congratulate Obama on winning aproval from the electorate not by reforming health care, but by calling Kanye West a jack ass. Might he reccomend calling Will Smith a cock stand, then have a cry in Michelle's organic garden (and maybe some of that special cabbage, Sardonicus understands...)

6 Ponder what he'd do if he ever got his hands on Obama's blackberry (don't be disgusting I know what you're thinking not so gentle reader). Maybe send Nick Griffin an appreciative e-mail, or ask DaveyC for a big snog.
Or tell Gordon he's not dull.

Tailors and Assassins

Hello again gentle reader, Dr Sardonicus has been away for a while but now he's back.

Now I'm going to start talking about Startrek. Wait come back! I know you must be thinking breaking the 4th wall and talking about Startrek? Sir you try our patience (and that's not inlcuding lame gags and terrible grammar, so that's how you feel? Then you can shove off!) because it will build to a point.

I've always been a big fan of good old DS9. Why you may ask (or probably not, but you're the one wasting your time reading this, so now who's wearing the sticky pants?)? It was because it had about the only 2 original characters in all of Startrek. Chief O'Brian who was a stalwart working class, boozer who always s**t out of luck and having a wife and kids was one of the only characters who wasn't a Peter Pan with a midlife crisis. The other was Garrack, ah good old Garrack. Startrek's only gay/sadistic character but in an entirely loveable way (who's phaser seemed to be always set to that painful disintegrate mode). The novel about him by the actor who played him may be the only readable Trek book. In such a violent show he seemed to be the only one who enjoyed killing people.

But why does Sardonicus ruminate on shows long since passed?

Well there's one episode where Garrack who was a sort of interstellar; alien/tailor in the Harry Palmer mould loses his chance to be part of some superduper league of Alien Bad 'uns. He returns to his shop, turns to his friend the doctor and says.
"The sad thing is I'm quite a good tailor."

Because Sardonicus is back in work, back in a proper job. Hurrah...sort of. To date Sardonicus has watched his last few attempts to penetrate into proper media crash burn. His computer is like an Imperial Japanese airfield from which his scripts fly like short sighted Kamikaze pilots, with poor depth perception. All too soon to crash and burn, the Carriers of the US fleet steam on umnmolested and unaware. Safe from another wave of poorly formed metaphors.

But here he is with a proper job, that requires proper time commitment. Wandering if perhaps he is a better tailor than an assassin? And it is a very proper job, with a desk and a white board and a staff team and all that stuff. Not to mention a socially valid role helping the needy and meeting interesting people.

But still Dr Sardonicus wanders...well it's not like he'll ever stop writing that's a compulsion more akin to breathing than anything else. But still as he hems his proverbial pants, he does wander what comes next? And will that screen writing lead somewhere else?

Yet another moan at the government.

Dr Sardonicus really should stop reading newspapers it never cheers him up, or maybe just the cosy racist world of The Daily Mail? Or at this rate The People's Friend.

What has gone up Dr Sardonicus's capatious nostril this morning? It's the new government system for checking out that all people working with the vulnerable and children are nice.
This is inherently a good thing a quick check of the various government lists and you could weed out any one who had a conviction for abuse etc. But not enough some people might have slipped through the net. So now we have the concept of "soft data" got investigated? Some one made a possibly malicious complaint. And that's enough for you to be cast out of the work force, career over you were the weakest link. Oh and it takes upto 4 weeks, hurrah unpaid leave between jobs.

Unfortunately it would appear if as it is rumours CIA black site torture was inspired by Jack Bauer and 24. Our child protection system is inspired by Columbo.


Oh and parents? Teachers, carers, volunteers you're next. The cold eye of the state will fall upon you next, in this cheery world we're all probable abusers. God forbid anyone might suggest that better education and more trust could be the solution. How about being barred from your next school sports day because you played kiss chase age 10 or grandad banned for having bombed Bremen in WW2 (some of those victims must have been kids a form of child abuse).

The really joke is that this legislation was put in place after the Ian Huntley murders. It wouldn't have done anygood, maybe he wouldn't have got a job as a school caretaker. But he accessed those girls through his girlfriend. The abusers have long ago moved onto other hunting grounds (singles columns mainly aparently). All this legislation seems to do is feed an ongoing governmental obsession with us albeing guilty of something.

One wanders if some poor 12 year old gets charged with snogging another 12 year old? Will he fail his CRB and be banned from going anywhere near himself?

A meeting.

On Thursday I popped along to a book launch by Ben White on his jolly new historical screed about "Israeli Apparhteid." The talk was rather unimpressive and could be reduced to as following.

1 Israel isn't Apparhteid.
2 Apparhteid is horrid.
3 Israel is horrid anyway.

This aparently took 14 months of research. Though I suspect Mr White actually started with what sounded like a wizard title for his book and worked backwards from there. A similar tactic I may take up with such Sardonicus classic titles as; "Was Hitler a Welsh transvestite (No he wasn't) and "Thatcher my part in her downfall (it was very small).

This was followed by an even less impressive call to begin boycotting Israel. A call so inarticulate it could have been mistaken for a call to boycott walls in general and could have lead to the firebombing of a branch of B&Q.

For my fellow lovers of Zion Sardonicus was there in the role of a latter day Trumpledore. Where I asked if Israel was so awful and monsterous how Mr White had been able to travel so often there? And unlike other reporters in the Peoples Islamic Paradise of Iran spent most of his trip in the Holiday Inn? Mr White didn't really answer the question. Lost I fear in dreams of his new book "Barrack Obama Nazi or Slaver?" or maybe taking Robert Fisk's crown?

The thing that stuck with me was there were 2 groups in the room Zionists and anti Zionists. The Zionists booed asked questions interrupted and generally acted like rather middle class hooligans; the sort who'd hit you with a well spelled placard at a rally and would worry about how to recycle the glass in their molotov cocktails. . The Anti Zionists acted similarly (though in fairness it was there meeting). Then afterwards the Zionists spoke to each other and the Anti Zionists spoke to each other. And both sides strode off home convinced of the rightness of their arguments and how it's shame the other side can't see how wrong they've been. Thing is neither side spoke to each other except to shout at each other during the meeting.

Is this some how analgous of how we live now? I rather wished I hadn't asked my question I might have had a chance to chat with the otherside. On some level this conflict is being fought with real bullets, blood and wrecked lives over there. It seems a shame that over here we can't seem to bare to just chat to our opposite numbers.

n.b. post script got home to find a cheery facebook post about a cheery documentary proving most Palestinians are Jews who lost their way 1000s of years ago (and the second raters at that). The absurdity and racism of this message bothers me. If we're descending to the point of using the same arguments of those who persecuted us, then we are building up to being judged the same way. Mind you I take small comfort in this argument of a lunatic fringe, I just hope it isn't growing....

A view on the news.

Poor old Gordon Brown has lost so many chums he may have to jam a knife in the cupboard door, run backwards and stab himself in the back. But that is not the news story that interests Dr Sardonicus today. No it's a rather more horrible story. A 7 year old girl was starved to death by her parents deliberately. The truly shocking thing was her parents were visited by social services 3 times, who didn't see anything wrong. Because the parents didn't let them in.

eh?

Are our social services being trained in investigations by old episodes of Dixon of Dock Green? "It's a fair cop you've got me banged to right I was abusing my kid, I'm a right bad 'un that I am."

The problem is that social services is so mired in the public eye that it's the shame that causes the problems. At least in Dr Sardonicus's view. The fear and guilt has lead to social services at times being inundated by malicious complaints. Don't believe me hang out in your local job centre, Greggs or other places where Burberry is still derigeur. And listen in on the conversations.

"So I called social services on him..." or "She told social services my Derrick XXXX'd the Doberman in front of the kids."

The complaint to social services seems to be the equivalent of a hellfire missile strike on her who pinched your Derrick, or them's that thinks they're better than they are. And I suspect it works the same for those that shop at Waitrose and get cross.

Dr Sardonicus believes that the less we judge, the less guilt there is. Is there a better way of identifying those that are struggling and need help.

That and shooting the Daily Mail journalist who periodically suggests that social service departments are white slavers.

Sherlock Holmes and the Vampire Zepellin a sketch

HOLMES AND WATSON ARE SITTING IN THEIR DRAWING ROOM.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HOLMESAah a firm knock on the door that must be Inspector Lestrade.WATSONDash it Holmes how did you know?
HOLMESIt's the rhythmic knocking of a regimented mind, with the firm tap of a hand used to wrestling felons, but softened by the leather of Metropolitan police issue gloves.
WATSONHolmes you never cease to amaze me, you are as brilliant as you are handsome.
INSPECTOR BASTARD COMES IN.I
NSPECTORYou lying faker you peaked out the curtain.
HOLMESYou're not Inspector Lestrade.
INSPECTORNo I'm Inspector Isa Bastard. Inspector Lestrarde is under investigation by Scotland Yard internal affairs.
HOLMESImplicated in a fiendish murder plot. Perhaps Chinese Triads and my nemesis Moriarty the professor of evil, are right now planning to assassinate the queen with an enromous Afghani killer suirrel. With dependable Lestrade out of the way, I'm the next obvious target, So you need the services of I, Sherlock Holmes London's number one consulting detective to investigate?
WATSONThat's briliant Holmes you polymath, you beautiful polymath.
INSPECTORIn a word, no. He's under investigation for subcontracting out murder investigations to unqualified civilians. Mr Holmes what actually is a consulting detective?HOLMESWell I'm an independent expert in criminology and investigations. A foresnic expert, unhampered by the heavy weight of a police mans' badge. An expert on the dark recess's of the criminal mind..
INSPECTORBut you're unqualified?
WATSONDash it all inspector Bastard, we solved the Hound of the Baskervilles, the Red Headed League..
HOLMESMysteries to try the wit and instinct of the all the greatest minds. Why did the dog not bark in the night time? How did it glow so evilly? Why were there sinister red hairs at so many differing crime scenes?
INSPECTORA big dog painted yellow and an evil league of gingers, you made that all up. Frankly you chaps are taking the piss, I've been looking at your invoices.
HOLMESWell we have to charge for our...
INSPECTORMr Holmes to be blunt you are an unqualified mercenary, responsible for several hundred extremely dubious arrests. Some of which lead to executions. And you are a known heroin addict, cohabiting with an ex "medical doctor" with extensive links to Afghanistan.
WATSONOh Holmes, you total cunt. I told you pretending to solve crimes for an intellectualy retarded police officer was a stupid idea.
HOLMESOk I confess Inspector, I have indeed been stringing poor old Lestrade along. I needed the funds for my greatest investigation to date.
INSPECTORThis should be amusing, go on enlighten me; some sort of Scottish midget headbutting gentlemen to death in the scrotal area? The nuts sack of lots of harm?
HOLMESNo inspector Count Otto Von Zepellin flies his new flying machine across Europe, including over Transylvania legendary home of the dreaded vampire, then less than a year later london prostitutes fall to the dreaded murderer known as Jack the Ripper.
INSPECTORWhat the hell are you blathering on about you opium addled lunatic?HOLMESSupposing Count Zeppellin's Zepellin had flown into a bat, but this bat was the dread count Vlad Dracule in bat form. He bites the Zepellin which now patrols London's night skies praying on prostitute, chopping their bodies with it's mighty propellor to conseal it's monsterous crimes. Jack the Ripper is a vampire Zepellin
!INSPECTORAnd related to 2 European royal families. You never were on the square were you Mr Holmes?
HOLMESOh buttocks.
INSPECTOR SHOOTS BOTH WATSON AND HOLMES BEFORE REARRANGING THE BODIES TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DOING NAUGHTY THINGS TO EACH OTHER AND THEN KILLED THEM SELVES.INSPECTOR LEAVES THE HOUSE, THERE IS A LOW DRONE.HE LOOKS UP AND SEE'S A GIANT ZEPELLIN WITH A CAPE FLOATING IN THE SKY ABOVE.
INSPECTOREvening your grace.
VAMPIRE ZEPELLINMu ha ha!