HOLMES AND WATSON ARE SITTING IN THEIR DRAWING ROOM.KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HOLMES
Aah a firm knock on the door that must be Inspector Lestrade.WATSONDash it Holmes how did you know?
HOLMES
It's the rhythmic knocking of a regimented mind, with the firm tap of a hand used to wrestling felons, but softened by the leather of Metropolitan police issue gloves.
WATSON
Holmes you never cease to amaze me, you are as brilliant as you are handsome.
INSPECTOR BASTARD COMES IN.
INSPECTOR
You lying faker you peaked out the curtain.
HOLMESYou're not Inspector Lestrade.
INSPECTORNo I'm Inspector Isa Bastard. Inspector Lestrarde is under investigation by Scotland Yard internal affairs.
HOLMES
Implicated in a fiendish murder plot. Perhaps Chinese Triads and my nemesis Moriarty the professor of evil, are right now planning to assassinate the queen with an enromous Afghani killer suirrel. With dependable Lestrade out of the way, I'm the next obvious target, So you need the services of I, Sherlock Holmes London's number one consulting detective to investigate?
WATSON
That's briliant Holmes you polymath, you beautiful polymath.
INSPECTOR
In a word, no. He's under investigation for subcontracting out murder investigations to unqualified civilians. Mr Holmes what actually is a consulting detective?
HOLMES
Well I'm an independent expert in criminology and investigations. A foresnic expert, unhampered by the heavy weight of a police mans' badge. An expert on the dark recess's of the criminal mind..
INSPECTORBut you're unqualified?
WATSON
Dash it all inspector Bastard, we solved the Hound of the Baskervilles, the Red Headed League..
HOLMES
Mysteries to try the wit and instinct of the all the greatest minds. Why did the dog not bark in the night time? How did it glow so evilly? Why were there sinister red hairs at so many differing crime scenes?
INSPECTOR
A big dog painted yellow and an evil league of gingers, you made that all up. Frankly you chaps are taking the piss, I've been looking at your invoices.
HOLMES
Well we have to charge for our...
INSPECTOR
Mr Holmes to be blunt you are an unqualified mercenary, responsible for several hundred extremely dubious arrests. Some of which lead to executions. And you are a known heroin addict, cohabiting with an ex "medical doctor" with extensive links to Afghanistan.
WATSON
Oh Holmes, you total cunt. I told you pretending to solve crimes for an intellectualy retarded police officer was a stupid idea.
HOLMES
Ok I confess Inspector, I have indeed been stringing poor old Lestrade along. I needed the funds for my greatest investigation to date.
INSPECTOR
This should be amusing, go on enlighten me; some sort of Scottish midget headbutting gentlemen to death in the scrotal area? The nuts sack of lots of harm?
HOLMES
No inspector Count Otto Von Zepellin flies his new flying machine across Europe, including over Transylvania legendary home of the dreaded vampire, then less than a year later london prostitutes fall to the dreaded murderer known as Jack the Ripper.
INSPECTOR
What the hell are you blathering on about you opium addled lunatic?
HOLMES
Supposing Count Zeppellin's Zepellin had flown into a bat, but this bat was the dread count Vlad Dracule in bat form. He bites the Zepellin which now patrols London's night skies praying on prostitute, chopping their bodies with it's mighty propellor to conseal it's monsterous crimes. Jack the Ripper is a vampire Zepellin!
INSPECTOR
And related to 2 European royal families. You never were on the square were you Mr Holmes?HOLMES
Oh buttocks.
INSPECTOR SHOOTS BOTH WATSON AND HOLMES BEFORE REARRANGING THE BODIES TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DOING NAUGHTY THINGS TO EACH OTHER AND THEN KILLED THEM SELVES.INSPECTOR LEAVES THE HOUSE, THERE IS A LOW DRONE.HE LOOKS UP AND SEE'S A GIANT ZEPELLIN WITH A CAPE FLOATING IN THE SKY ABOVE.I
NSPECTOR
Evening your grace.
VAMPIRE
ha ha!
MAN IN A DIY STORE BUMPS INTO GOD.
MAN
Excuse do you mine, but are you erm you know.
GODYes it's me God, in a DIY store.
MANOh are you (sniggers) working on a far less ambitious project?
GODYes as a matter of I am. Oh you were making a fatuos joke I get that all the time create the universe and people take the piss when you want to do some decking.
MANOh right and keep that Jesus out of the carpentry supplies. He'll only get hammered and then the police will nail him.GODYou're joking about my sons' murder.MANWell you resurrected him.
GODThat's scarcely the point. Hey want to see something funny? Watch this, oi Noah!
NOAH WHO IS IN THE NEXT AISLE LOOKS ROUND IN TERROR.
GODBuild me a giant outdoor shitter, a 1000 cubits by a 1000 cubits. And fill it with 2 of every animal. For I will smite the earth with a terrible flood of diarea in one week.
NOAHYour word is my command oh Lord, but I could I not finish my out door
BBQ first?
GODNo out door BBQs are an abomination!
MAN(laughing) Oh God you are a devil, winding up the poor old git.GODI never joke.MAN EXPLODES IN A SHOWER OF EXCREMENT.NOAH IS COVERED
NOAHFine I get the point I'll get started.
KHALI WALKS PAST PUSHING A TROLLEY WITH 4 STRIMMERS IN IT.
GODOi Khali can you really trim the bushes in the Garden of Eden four times as fast?
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