HOLMES AND WATSON ARE SITTING IN THEIR DRAWING ROOM.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HOLMESAah a firm knock on the door that must be Inspector Lestrade.WATSONDash it Holmes how did you know?
HOLMESIt's the rhythmic knocking of a regimented mind, with the firm tap of a hand used to wrestling felons, but softened by the leather of Metropolitan police issue gloves.
WATSONHolmes you never cease to amaze me, you are as brilliant as you are handsome.
INSPECTOR BASTARD COMES IN.I
NSPECTORYou lying faker you peaked out the curtain.
HOLMESYou're not Inspector Lestrade.
INSPECTORNo I'm Inspector Isa Bastard. Inspector Lestrarde is under investigation by Scotland Yard internal affairs.
HOLMESImplicated in a fiendish murder plot. Perhaps Chinese Triads and my nemesis Moriarty the professor of evil, are right now planning to assassinate the queen with an enromous Afghani killer suirrel. With dependable Lestrade out of the way, I'm the next obvious target, So you need the services of I, Sherlock Holmes London's number one consulting detective to investigate?
WATSONThat's briliant Holmes you polymath, you beautiful polymath.
INSPECTORIn a word, no. He's under investigation for subcontracting out murder investigations to unqualified civilians. Mr Holmes what actually is a consulting detective?HOLMESWell I'm an independent expert in criminology and investigations. A foresnic expert, unhampered by the heavy weight of a police mans' badge. An expert on the dark recess's of the criminal mind..
INSPECTORBut you're unqualified?
WATSONDash it all inspector Bastard, we solved the Hound of the Baskervilles, the Red Headed League..
HOLMESMysteries to try the wit and instinct of the all the greatest minds. Why did the dog not bark in the night time? How did it glow so evilly? Why were there sinister red hairs at so many differing crime scenes?
INSPECTORA big dog painted yellow and an evil league of gingers, you made that all up. Frankly you chaps are taking the piss, I've been looking at your invoices.
HOLMESWell we have to charge for our...
INSPECTORMr Holmes to be blunt you are an unqualified mercenary, responsible for several hundred extremely dubious arrests. Some of which lead to executions. And you are a known heroin addict, cohabiting with an ex "medical doctor" with extensive links to Afghanistan.
WATSONOh Holmes, you total cunt. I told you pretending to solve crimes for an intellectualy retarded police officer was a stupid idea.
HOLMESOk I confess Inspector, I have indeed been stringing poor old Lestrade along. I needed the funds for my greatest investigation to date.
INSPECTORThis should be amusing, go on enlighten me; some sort of Scottish midget headbutting gentlemen to death in the scrotal area? The nuts sack of lots of harm?
HOLMESNo inspector Count Otto Von Zepellin flies his new flying machine across Europe, including over Transylvania legendary home of the dreaded vampire, then less than a year later london prostitutes fall to the dreaded murderer known as Jack the Ripper.
INSPECTORWhat the hell are you blathering on about you opium addled lunatic?HOLMESSupposing Count Zeppellin's Zepellin had flown into a bat, but this bat was the dread count Vlad Dracule in bat form. He bites the Zepellin which now patrols London's night skies praying on prostitute, chopping their bodies with it's mighty propellor to conseal it's monsterous crimes. Jack the Ripper is a vampire Zepellin
!INSPECTORAnd related to 2 European royal families. You never were on the square were you Mr Holmes?
HOLMESOh buttocks.
INSPECTOR SHOOTS BOTH WATSON AND HOLMES BEFORE REARRANGING THE BODIES TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DOING NAUGHTY THINGS TO EACH OTHER AND THEN KILLED THEM SELVES.INSPECTOR LEAVES THE HOUSE, THERE IS A LOW DRONE.HE LOOKS UP AND SEE'S A GIANT ZEPELLIN WITH A CAPE FLOATING IN THE SKY ABOVE.
INSPECTOREvening your grace.
VAMPIRE ZEPELLINMu ha ha!
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