Some little skits I found on my hard drive.

SCENE1A CONFERENCE CENTRE AFTER A MASSACRE.THE WALLS ARE SPLATTERED WITH JAM, CUSTARD AND BLOOD.ONE HALF OF THE ROOM IS FULL OF REDNECKS WITH SMOKING GUNS COVERED IN JAM, CREAM AND CUSTARD.THE OTHER HALF OF THE ROOM LOOK LIFE CHEFS THEY ARE ALL DEAD WITH MULTIPLE GUNSHOT WOUNDS.

SCENE2
SOOTYJ IS EXPLAINING HIMSELF TO SEVERAL UNSYMPATHETIC LOOKING POLICE OFFICERS.
HE HAS TWO SIGNS
SIGN 1 "The national trifle association annual bunfight.
"SIGN 2"The national rifle association annual gunfight."

THE MANAGER OF DUDLEY ZOO IS TALKING TO LORD ALAN SUGAR WHO IS FLANKED BY NICK AND MARGARET

MANAGER
Sir Alan you're offer of a massive donation could save Dudley Zoo from closing...
ALAN
Oi mush I'm Lord Alan now.
MANAGER
Lord Alan.
ALAN
I'm still a sir you arse nugget.
MANAGER
Lord Sir Alan thank you for your most generous gift. How can we show our gratitude? A plaque? Maybe you want to feed the elephants?
ALAN
I want to beat a chimpanzee to death with a baseball bat.
MANAGER
I beg your pardon you want to beat one of our chimpanzees to death with a baseball bat?
ALAN
You bloody heard me the first time. I bloody well want to thank the dark gods who made me a lord with a blood sacrifice.
MANAGER
But I thought you were Jewish?
ALAN
Not anymore mush, I worship Quetzacoatal lord of the Sun. I'm so fucking grateful I haven't changed these ermine robes since I was enobled, I'm naked underneath, I stink don't I?MANAGER
Well I didn't want to say. I suppose it makes sense you are Sir Alan lord of industry development.
ALAN
Shut it! I wanted to sacrifice some chav orphan but Barnardos were bloody well having none of it, now where's that monkey?
MANAGER
Look chimpanzees are highly intelligent sapients, with complex social structures and...
MARGARET
They eat Collobus monkeys don't they? Doesn't sound very civilised.
NICK
And they masturbate infront of school children.
MANAGER
Ok so chimpanzees are not all that nice, but some one's going to notice ones missing. How about a marmoset?
ALAN
That's scarcely a replacement you muppet! All big eyes and fingers it's be like sacrificing Bjork.
NICK
I think it might even anger the vengeful God of the Sun you worship.MANAGERHang on I've got an idea! Could you kill the chimpanzee tomorrow?
MARGARET
That will be acceptable could you tie it up for us?
MANAGER
Of course.
SIR ALAN, NICK AND MARGARET LEAVE.MANAGER GETS ON PHONE
MANAGER
Yes is that Ronnie Corbett we do still want you to dress up as a chimpanzee for the video for the kiddies. Could you make it tomorrow?