A rare stroll into Zionism.

A few months ago I found myself at a proIsrael rally in Trafalgar square. An odd place for me to be. I'm not the worlds strongest Zionist and this was a rally to support Israel in the midst of it's latest Gaza incursion. (it was supposedly propreace in the same way Bernard Mathews prohealthy eating). I'd read a particularly asinine article by Naomi Klein saying how one should boycott Israel rather than America, as Israel was smaller and more vulnerable. Sounded like bullying and that wasn't something I approved of (well except for Chimpanzee they always seem to do it in an amusingly cannibalistic way). So I turned up and was unimpressed. We seemed (we being the officials of the Anglo Jewish community) to be shrill, humourless. We seemed to be missing something, but what?

This was reinforced for me when the Board of Deputies (of British Jews) seemed to put a lot of effort into getting Jewdas (a radical group) arrested for circulating a false email claiming the march was called off. A stupid prank, Board seemed quite humourlessly to want to turn into prison time. What was up?

Then a few months later Caryl Churchill released “7 Jewish children” A rather partial, but brilliant account of the history of Israel through the experiences of 7 generations of one family. And in response from somewhere (not within the community came “7 Other Children”. A play in response that was bad in the same way that popping out for a fag on the Hindenberg was bad.

This play told the story of 7 generations of Palestinian families. Their stories seemed to be suicide bombing, spitting (lots of spitting - might I recommend Bob Carolgees for a future performance?) and at one point either bigging up the Bader Meinhoff or the Nazis? I' m not sure but then, I suspect, neither was the playwright.

Why was this unfortunate play pointing at these people shouting "you’re as bad if not worse than us." Pointing at them as they sit in their unfortunate ghettos. It seemed wrong? And still something was missing? But what?

The answer is that we've given up our narrative. At some point we seem to have stopped telling our story. Israel's story is a great and noble one, filled with moments of courage and moments of regret. Listen to our representatives and you hear the same lifeless recitation of fact and history.

Why can't we talk about the Sephardim and the Ethiopians who fled persecution? Why can't we talk about the surreal evacuation of Gaza where protestor and policeman stage managed riots and prayed together?

We are obsessed with winning the factual argument and ignore the emotional one. But it's the emotional one that will decide whether people boycott or vote, and all those other things we so fear.

Maybe if we told the story of expulsion and Diaspora people might understand just how hard it will be for Jews to take Jews’ homes from them.

Otherwise we are in real danger of reducing our story to: got picked on, suffered the Holocaust, got a country, built a wall around it.

We are a nation not a property program.

Irish abuse report my 2 pennies.

Can anything positive come out of the awful abuse scandals in Ireland? I suppose there is one possibility...
Why not reopen one Industrial school, just the one mind. And instead of filling it with misfortunate impoverished kids, why not fill it with shouty, Tax dodging Oirish celebs.

Bono, Geldoff that bloke who writes boring books about eating his mum (Angelas Hashes?). Then beat and abuse them until they agree to pay taxes and stop telling the rest of the world how to live their lives, whilst never mentioning in any serious way the problems in their homeland.

Oh and dresses in black, doesn't have sex, obeys an old bloke in a robe? Priests are far to similar to Darth Vader to be put in charge of kids.

Dr Sardonicus's fabulous excuses.

Having studied the news of late Dr Sardonicus has discovered a cunning excuse, a perfect excuse an excuse fit for any situation. It is of course the BNP excuse!

Yes any crapulent, criminal or stupid behviour can be excused by the following expression.

"Don't say that the BNP might get in!"

Eating soup with your face in the bowl, kicking puppies, voting for the BNP.
All excusable by the simple explanation that criticising said behaviour could lead to the BNP taking over; eating all foreigners, burning the Queen and forcing everyone else to languish in gulags making endless gay porn films for BNP MPs which of course they won't watch.

It beats the old fashioned "There's a war on terror" and the classic "It's a security issue."

Dr Sardonicus is planning on stealing a shopping trolley full of beer and the collection tin shaped like a blind kid from his Sainsbury's. If challenged by security he will chant 3 times
"There's a war on terror, the BNP might get in and it's a security issue."

An excuse so incredible he could probably get away with burning the Sainsbury's to the ground.

Aparently Jack Straw has already done this several times.

Dr Sardonicus sometimes wonders if Swivel eyed, podgy pretend Nazi Nick Griffin reads the Guardian (with a junior Penguin dictionary for the big scary words) quietly crying. Wondering if he's so likely to turn the UK into the 5th Reich no one seems to be voting for him.

That said Dr Sardonicus say's go out and vote citizens. But don't vote fascist, vote stupid.
Let's stuff the EU with every hairbrained loony candidate we can find. Monster Raving Loony, that bloke down the pub who thinks Alien's probed him, Yogic flyers. Frankly all those idiots earning millions in exies could even jump start our economu.

That said Dave Cameron says anyone can run for the Conservatives...

hmm a vote for Dr Sardonicus?

So Dr Sardonicus is pondering is democracy a thing? And the fact that this probably means he can't think of anything funny to write. For example;

He saw a vampire comedian yesterday, he went for the jugular and hit a rich vein of comedy. Unlike the zombie miner comedy, he was dead boring.

See bloody awful.

So back to my rather pompous long winded point.

India has just finished it's elections and whilst a government is being formed, none of the commentators seem to seriously think this is a government that'll do anything to deal with poverty or corruption. Where as China (anything but democratic) is going through a massive

Oh captain my captain.

Hello again Peeps!

Dr Sardonicus is an unusually ebulient mood. I just completed a City and Guilds training course in how to train. And may have found something I'm good at. Training is alot like doing standup comedy except it lasts 7 hours instead of 5 minutes, you use powerpoint and no one shout's

"fuck off the stage you unfunny fat bastard, we want the unfunny blond with big tits."

I chose to do my teaching piece on how to tell Rule of 3 gags thinking that'd be a breeze. Only to find myself near weeping infront of my laptop as I couldn't think of a single clean one for my presentation.

1000s of sailors went down on the Titanic, the Lusitania and your missus.

Testicles, knickers and VAT no one cares when Darling drops them.

Yes all hail the great and mighty rule of 3 gag, simple pure and effective. Kinda like the BNP but less racist. And all hail the new Dr Sardonicus super-tutor. Soon across the land lazy, indolent, english as a 3rd language students will be standing on their desks crying.
"Dr Sardonicus oh captain, my captain>"

Gloomy news 2

Do you ever turn on the news and feel depressed? Well the last couple of days I have.
It's not because of the rotten mess with MPs lining their fetid nests. No it's the array of idiot D list celebs saying I will run against my incumbent MP because; I've never fiddled my taxes and I used to be on that show in the 70s you might remember, it had a kazoo on it probably.

The only positive note is Kenn Dodd and Kerry Katona won't be running.

But imagine Esther Rantzen as chancellor? Or Jimmy Saville as home secretary (maybe not so bad he can say "Now then now then," like a copper already). And who would be PM? The winner of Britain's Got Talent most likely. That said as it seems most likely to be Susan Boyle that really is no improvement on Brown. They look dead similar and both may be well at the back of the queue for MENSA. Mind you a singing Gordon Brown look alike could be like an English Evita. Her offering to sing Don't Cry for me Argentina could help prevent a future war with Argentina.

How I believe I can save the nation.

I have a confession, it's a bit shameful...but here goes.

I don't care about MP's expenses.

I actually feel a bit safer knowing a politician is lining his or her pockets a little. A politician isn't is obviously a principled politician and they scare me. The politico who isn't trousering an additional £400 for food they didn't eat (bet know one questioned Prescott on that one), is probably the one who's into nationalising banks, euthanasia or making foreign types use diferent toilets. Essentially all the things an MP who is busy claiming his dead granny is his press adviser and he needs to eat 2 tonnes of toffee a month (and needs 3oo toilets to deposit it in) hasn't got time for.

That said I am sick and disgusted of the bloody fibbing to cover this up. I can't reveal that I flipped my house 3 times in case Osama Bin Laden opens an estate agent (looking at the property market maybe he did). It intefers with my ability to do my job if I have to reveal my second home is Narnia and I paid the mortgage off before the time of the White Witch.

I suggest we should place MP's requirements under the perview of Social Services. Families can apply to foster an MP. I rather like the idea of William Hague being looked after by a nice gay couple (I suspect so does he). And Jaqui Smith being told she can't ban other kids from her birthday party just because she's Home Secretary.

I'd especially like to hear about Karren Mathews being given responsibility for naughty George Galloway.

You too can be a satirist.

Hello fellow dwellers of cyber land.  I have decided to share with you the joys of what it means to be a satirist.  The first thing is call yourself a satirist not  a comedy writer. That way when people find you unfunny you can glower at them.  Because they are either hopelessly innocent about the world or a fascist.  A satirist is never unfunny merely misunderstood.

Number 2 write reams of topical sketches and send them out to; stage shows (who will use them if if they use words ruder than bum and imply everyone in power is gay), the BBC who will ignore them and MPs.  MPs won't produce them but if you're sufficently offenisve may have Special Branch beat you up (which is better than being ignored).

Or you can write songs.  If you can rhyme Gordon Brown and arsehole to the tune of Agadoo then you could be a musical satirist.  

More likely you'll end up spending all your time on a forum for comedy writers.  These can be quite fun  especially once you've selected a hilarious comedy nom de plume.  Maybe Hugh-suck or Badger-badger-badger.  Because basically it's only your brother (or sister) comedy writers who'll read your stuff.  Some forums have been known to descend into self anihilating madness as each writer pretends to be the BBC Head of comedy and gives their papal blessing to all the other writers.

Oh and do write some actual jokes.  Easy to forget that most people do like jokes.  Normal straight forward joke type things.

For example.

Why did the chicken cross the road?  Cos it dissed it's mum.

Wow 2 years since I last posted! So what had Dr Sardonicus been upto? Well I was a lead gag writer for 118 118 and had my gags featured in a Sun feature on how rubbish 118 118 gags were. They refused my offer of an interview. Until I said I'd shagged Peter Andre and was Harvey's dad.
I blame my self for their divorce.

I am currently on the job market and I'm job hunting with all the enthusiasim of a chiuaha trying to mate a Great Dane. So alas I am going to have a lot less time for writing my satire.

I bet the world's leaders are giving themselves a big sigh of relief.

Still I'm sure I can squeeze an odd sketch for News Revue or two.

Any way here's a gag for you.

How did Edmund Hilary bruise his penis?
Sherpa Tensing.