Poor old Gordon Brown has lost so many chums he may have to jam a knife in the cupboard door, run backwards and stab himself in the back. But that is not the news story that interests Dr Sardonicus today. No it's a rather more horrible story. A 7 year old girl was starved to death by her parents deliberately. The truly shocking thing was her parents were visited by social services 3 times, who didn't see anything wrong. Because the parents didn't let them in.
eh?
Are our social services being trained in investigations by old episodes of Dixon of Dock Green? "It's a fair cop you've got me banged to right I was abusing my kid, I'm a right bad 'un that I am."
The problem is that social services is so mired in the public eye that it's the shame that causes the problems. At least in Dr Sardonicus's view. The fear and guilt has lead to social services at times being inundated by malicious complaints. Don't believe me hang out in your local job centre, Greggs or other places where Burberry is still derigeur. And listen in on the conversations.
"So I called social services on him..." or "She told social services my Derrick XXXX'd the Doberman in front of the kids."
The complaint to social services seems to be the equivalent of a hellfire missile strike on her who pinched your Derrick, or them's that thinks they're better than they are. And I suspect it works the same for those that shop at Waitrose and get cross.
Dr Sardonicus believes that the less we judge, the less guilt there is. Is there a better way of identifying those that are struggling and need help.
That and shooting the Daily Mail journalist who periodically suggests that social service departments are white slavers.
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Sherlock Holmes and the Vampire Zepellin a sketch
HOLMES AND WATSON ARE SITTING IN THEIR DRAWING ROOM.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HOLMESAah a firm knock on the door that must be Inspector Lestrade.WATSONDash it Holmes how did you know?
HOLMESIt's the rhythmic knocking of a regimented mind, with the firm tap of a hand used to wrestling felons, but softened by the leather of Metropolitan police issue gloves.
WATSONHolmes you never cease to amaze me, you are as brilliant as you are handsome.
INSPECTOR BASTARD COMES IN.I
NSPECTORYou lying faker you peaked out the curtain.
HOLMESYou're not Inspector Lestrade.
INSPECTORNo I'm Inspector Isa Bastard. Inspector Lestrarde is under investigation by Scotland Yard internal affairs.
HOLMESImplicated in a fiendish murder plot. Perhaps Chinese Triads and my nemesis Moriarty the professor of evil, are right now planning to assassinate the queen with an enromous Afghani killer suirrel. With dependable Lestrade out of the way, I'm the next obvious target, So you need the services of I, Sherlock Holmes London's number one consulting detective to investigate?
WATSONThat's briliant Holmes you polymath, you beautiful polymath.
INSPECTORIn a word, no. He's under investigation for subcontracting out murder investigations to unqualified civilians. Mr Holmes what actually is a consulting detective?HOLMESWell I'm an independent expert in criminology and investigations. A foresnic expert, unhampered by the heavy weight of a police mans' badge. An expert on the dark recess's of the criminal mind..
INSPECTORBut you're unqualified?
WATSONDash it all inspector Bastard, we solved the Hound of the Baskervilles, the Red Headed League..
HOLMESMysteries to try the wit and instinct of the all the greatest minds. Why did the dog not bark in the night time? How did it glow so evilly? Why were there sinister red hairs at so many differing crime scenes?
INSPECTORA big dog painted yellow and an evil league of gingers, you made that all up. Frankly you chaps are taking the piss, I've been looking at your invoices.
HOLMESWell we have to charge for our...
INSPECTORMr Holmes to be blunt you are an unqualified mercenary, responsible for several hundred extremely dubious arrests. Some of which lead to executions. And you are a known heroin addict, cohabiting with an ex "medical doctor" with extensive links to Afghanistan.
WATSONOh Holmes, you total cunt. I told you pretending to solve crimes for an intellectualy retarded police officer was a stupid idea.
HOLMESOk I confess Inspector, I have indeed been stringing poor old Lestrade along. I needed the funds for my greatest investigation to date.
INSPECTORThis should be amusing, go on enlighten me; some sort of Scottish midget headbutting gentlemen to death in the scrotal area? The nuts sack of lots of harm?
HOLMESNo inspector Count Otto Von Zepellin flies his new flying machine across Europe, including over Transylvania legendary home of the dreaded vampire, then less than a year later london prostitutes fall to the dreaded murderer known as Jack the Ripper.
INSPECTORWhat the hell are you blathering on about you opium addled lunatic?HOLMESSupposing Count Zeppellin's Zepellin had flown into a bat, but this bat was the dread count Vlad Dracule in bat form. He bites the Zepellin which now patrols London's night skies praying on prostitute, chopping their bodies with it's mighty propellor to conseal it's monsterous crimes. Jack the Ripper is a vampire Zepellin
!INSPECTORAnd related to 2 European royal families. You never were on the square were you Mr Holmes?
HOLMESOh buttocks.
INSPECTOR SHOOTS BOTH WATSON AND HOLMES BEFORE REARRANGING THE BODIES TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DOING NAUGHTY THINGS TO EACH OTHER AND THEN KILLED THEM SELVES.INSPECTOR LEAVES THE HOUSE, THERE IS A LOW DRONE.HE LOOKS UP AND SEE'S A GIANT ZEPELLIN WITH A CAPE FLOATING IN THE SKY ABOVE.
INSPECTOREvening your grace.
VAMPIRE ZEPELLINMu ha ha!
KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HOLMESAah a firm knock on the door that must be Inspector Lestrade.WATSONDash it Holmes how did you know?
HOLMESIt's the rhythmic knocking of a regimented mind, with the firm tap of a hand used to wrestling felons, but softened by the leather of Metropolitan police issue gloves.
WATSONHolmes you never cease to amaze me, you are as brilliant as you are handsome.
INSPECTOR BASTARD COMES IN.I
NSPECTORYou lying faker you peaked out the curtain.
HOLMESYou're not Inspector Lestrade.
INSPECTORNo I'm Inspector Isa Bastard. Inspector Lestrarde is under investigation by Scotland Yard internal affairs.
HOLMESImplicated in a fiendish murder plot. Perhaps Chinese Triads and my nemesis Moriarty the professor of evil, are right now planning to assassinate the queen with an enromous Afghani killer suirrel. With dependable Lestrade out of the way, I'm the next obvious target, So you need the services of I, Sherlock Holmes London's number one consulting detective to investigate?
WATSONThat's briliant Holmes you polymath, you beautiful polymath.
INSPECTORIn a word, no. He's under investigation for subcontracting out murder investigations to unqualified civilians. Mr Holmes what actually is a consulting detective?HOLMESWell I'm an independent expert in criminology and investigations. A foresnic expert, unhampered by the heavy weight of a police mans' badge. An expert on the dark recess's of the criminal mind..
INSPECTORBut you're unqualified?
WATSONDash it all inspector Bastard, we solved the Hound of the Baskervilles, the Red Headed League..
HOLMESMysteries to try the wit and instinct of the all the greatest minds. Why did the dog not bark in the night time? How did it glow so evilly? Why were there sinister red hairs at so many differing crime scenes?
INSPECTORA big dog painted yellow and an evil league of gingers, you made that all up. Frankly you chaps are taking the piss, I've been looking at your invoices.
HOLMESWell we have to charge for our...
INSPECTORMr Holmes to be blunt you are an unqualified mercenary, responsible for several hundred extremely dubious arrests. Some of which lead to executions. And you are a known heroin addict, cohabiting with an ex "medical doctor" with extensive links to Afghanistan.
WATSONOh Holmes, you total cunt. I told you pretending to solve crimes for an intellectualy retarded police officer was a stupid idea.
HOLMESOk I confess Inspector, I have indeed been stringing poor old Lestrade along. I needed the funds for my greatest investigation to date.
INSPECTORThis should be amusing, go on enlighten me; some sort of Scottish midget headbutting gentlemen to death in the scrotal area? The nuts sack of lots of harm?
HOLMESNo inspector Count Otto Von Zepellin flies his new flying machine across Europe, including over Transylvania legendary home of the dreaded vampire, then less than a year later london prostitutes fall to the dreaded murderer known as Jack the Ripper.
INSPECTORWhat the hell are you blathering on about you opium addled lunatic?HOLMESSupposing Count Zeppellin's Zepellin had flown into a bat, but this bat was the dread count Vlad Dracule in bat form. He bites the Zepellin which now patrols London's night skies praying on prostitute, chopping their bodies with it's mighty propellor to conseal it's monsterous crimes. Jack the Ripper is a vampire Zepellin
!INSPECTORAnd related to 2 European royal families. You never were on the square were you Mr Holmes?
HOLMESOh buttocks.
INSPECTOR SHOOTS BOTH WATSON AND HOLMES BEFORE REARRANGING THE BODIES TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DOING NAUGHTY THINGS TO EACH OTHER AND THEN KILLED THEM SELVES.INSPECTOR LEAVES THE HOUSE, THERE IS A LOW DRONE.HE LOOKS UP AND SEE'S A GIANT ZEPELLIN WITH A CAPE FLOATING IN THE SKY ABOVE.
INSPECTOREvening your grace.
VAMPIRE ZEPELLINMu ha ha!
2 sketches you lucky people
HOLMES AND WATSON ARE SITTING IN THEIR DRAWING ROOM.KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HOLMES
Aah a firm knock on the door that must be Inspector Lestrade.WATSONDash it Holmes how did you know?
HOLMES
It's the rhythmic knocking of a regimented mind, with the firm tap of a hand used to wrestling felons, but softened by the leather of Metropolitan police issue gloves.
WATSON
Holmes you never cease to amaze me, you are as brilliant as you are handsome.
INSPECTOR BASTARD COMES IN.
INSPECTOR
You lying faker you peaked out the curtain.
HOLMESYou're not Inspector Lestrade.
INSPECTORNo I'm Inspector Isa Bastard. Inspector Lestrarde is under investigation by Scotland Yard internal affairs.
HOLMES
Implicated in a fiendish murder plot. Perhaps Chinese Triads and my nemesis Moriarty the professor of evil, are right now planning to assassinate the queen with an enromous Afghani killer suirrel. With dependable Lestrade out of the way, I'm the next obvious target, So you need the services of I, Sherlock Holmes London's number one consulting detective to investigate?
WATSON
That's briliant Holmes you polymath, you beautiful polymath.
INSPECTOR
In a word, no. He's under investigation for subcontracting out murder investigations to unqualified civilians. Mr Holmes what actually is a consulting detective?
HOLMES
Well I'm an independent expert in criminology and investigations. A foresnic expert, unhampered by the heavy weight of a police mans' badge. An expert on the dark recess's of the criminal mind..
INSPECTORBut you're unqualified?
WATSON
Dash it all inspector Bastard, we solved the Hound of the Baskervilles, the Red Headed League..
HOLMES
Mysteries to try the wit and instinct of the all the greatest minds. Why did the dog not bark in the night time? How did it glow so evilly? Why were there sinister red hairs at so many differing crime scenes?
INSPECTOR
A big dog painted yellow and an evil league of gingers, you made that all up. Frankly you chaps are taking the piss, I've been looking at your invoices.
HOLMES
Well we have to charge for our...
INSPECTOR
Mr Holmes to be blunt you are an unqualified mercenary, responsible for several hundred extremely dubious arrests. Some of which lead to executions. And you are a known heroin addict, cohabiting with an ex "medical doctor" with extensive links to Afghanistan.
WATSON
Oh Holmes, you total cunt. I told you pretending to solve crimes for an intellectualy retarded police officer was a stupid idea.
HOLMES
Ok I confess Inspector, I have indeed been stringing poor old Lestrade along. I needed the funds for my greatest investigation to date.
INSPECTOR
This should be amusing, go on enlighten me; some sort of Scottish midget headbutting gentlemen to death in the scrotal area? The nuts sack of lots of harm?
HOLMES
No inspector Count Otto Von Zepellin flies his new flying machine across Europe, including over Transylvania legendary home of the dreaded vampire, then less than a year later london prostitutes fall to the dreaded murderer known as Jack the Ripper.
INSPECTOR
What the hell are you blathering on about you opium addled lunatic?
HOLMES
Supposing Count Zeppellin's Zepellin had flown into a bat, but this bat was the dread count Vlad Dracule in bat form. He bites the Zepellin which now patrols London's night skies praying on prostitute, chopping their bodies with it's mighty propellor to conseal it's monsterous crimes. Jack the Ripper is a vampire Zepellin!
INSPECTOR
And related to 2 European royal families. You never were on the square were you Mr Holmes?HOLMES
Oh buttocks.
INSPECTOR SHOOTS BOTH WATSON AND HOLMES BEFORE REARRANGING THE BODIES TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DOING NAUGHTY THINGS TO EACH OTHER AND THEN KILLED THEM SELVES.INSPECTOR LEAVES THE HOUSE, THERE IS A LOW DRONE.HE LOOKS UP AND SEE'S A GIANT ZEPELLIN WITH A CAPE FLOATING IN THE SKY ABOVE.I
NSPECTOR
Evening your grace.
VAMPIRE
ha ha!
MAN IN A DIY STORE BUMPS INTO GOD.
MAN
Excuse do you mine, but are you erm you know.
GODYes it's me God, in a DIY store.
MANOh are you (sniggers) working on a far less ambitious project?
GODYes as a matter of I am. Oh you were making a fatuos joke I get that all the time create the universe and people take the piss when you want to do some decking.
MANOh right and keep that Jesus out of the carpentry supplies. He'll only get hammered and then the police will nail him.GODYou're joking about my sons' murder.MANWell you resurrected him.
GODThat's scarcely the point. Hey want to see something funny? Watch this, oi Noah!
NOAH WHO IS IN THE NEXT AISLE LOOKS ROUND IN TERROR.
GODBuild me a giant outdoor shitter, a 1000 cubits by a 1000 cubits. And fill it with 2 of every animal. For I will smite the earth with a terrible flood of diarea in one week.
NOAHYour word is my command oh Lord, but I could I not finish my out door
BBQ first?
GODNo out door BBQs are an abomination!
MAN(laughing) Oh God you are a devil, winding up the poor old git.GODI never joke.MAN EXPLODES IN A SHOWER OF EXCREMENT.NOAH IS COVERED
NOAHFine I get the point I'll get started.
KHALI WALKS PAST PUSHING A TROLLEY WITH 4 STRIMMERS IN IT.
GODOi Khali can you really trim the bushes in the Garden of Eden four times as fast?
Saturday, 6 June 2009
A shocking case.
Dr Sardonicus was disturbed by the latest case of sever child abuse in the papers. The poor girl was starved to death by her aparently sane but sadistic parents. Social services turned up 3 times and each time the parents wouldn't let them in.
Eh?
Why didn't they call the police? I mean what were they expecting? The abusers to come out and say it's a fair cop guv you've got us banged to rights. Are modern socials services being trained in investigation by watching old episodes of Dixon of Dockgreen?
Perhaps part of the problem that know one talks about is the world of malicious calls to social services. Amongst a certain class of personage (they aspire to swear on Jeremy Kyle, took the pram to Woolworths on closing day and think Brighthouse is a bargain you know who you are), a call to social services to make an anonymous call is a hellfire missile strike from a Predator.
Neighbour think she's better than herself, boyfriend shagging some one else, or jsut bored?
Then why not accuse them of child abuse, cannibalism or doing things to the Doberman Barbara Woodhouse wouldn't have aproved of.
Dr Sardonicus supposes the only real answer is to judge each other less. I mean with less shame about needing help and not being able to cope, then maybe those who really do have problems will stand out more.
Funny terrorists
There is one thing that Dr Sardonicus thinks is ace about Hamas, only one thing mind.
And that is they seem to have a rather wicked sense of humour.
David Hare in his latest essay on the wall (the 15 meter high Israeli one, Mr Hare seems fairly ambivalent about Pink Floyd's seminal album). He describes how their latest form of torture is to show the victim a drawing of a bicycle at the top of a flight of stairs. If said victim can go and fetch the bicycle they won't beat them savagely.
Bloody genius, it's the kind of torture Dr Sardonicus would invent. Postmodern and making the poor victim realise they're the victim of a Chris Morris style prank even as you womp them (could he be in Hamas has anyone seen him in a balaclava?)
But it goes further every one's heard of Farfour right? Hamas produced a TV program for kids in Gaza which stars Farfour. Farfour is a man in a rubbish Mickey Mouse costume with a squeaky voice who encourages eager young beavers to go out and be good citizens (kinda like Blue Peter but with suicide bombings instead of building Tracy Island), that is until the Mossad beat him to death. He was then replaced by a rabbit in funny trousers who declared he was going to eat the flesh of the Zionists. Remember this is a giant rabbit.
The ultimate punchline being good old Farfour, his brother the rabbit and another one which was a bee, were the kids of a rather ordinary elderly Palestinian couple. Now that is funny.
They never seemed to film the scene where Daddy Farfour said to Mummy Farfour,
"Darling one of our kids is a giant mouse, another a rabbit and the third is a talking bee are you an interspecies slapper?"
This is the kind of propaganda The League of Gentlemen would make.
So why is Dr Sardonicus musing upon the sense of Hamas?
Because this week The Red Rose a radical US gay rights group delivered their protest at Obama's speech to the White House. Can Dr Sardonicus say eh? Hamas kill gay people, Israel doesn't. Infact Israel's record on gay human rights is rather good.
Dr Sardonicus supposes that in the past terrible wars have driven oposing groups into each others arms. Communists, royalists, anarchists all fought Germany, heck even fascists towards the end. But Israel isn't Nazi Germany, it isn't occupying multiple countries at once and threatening to snuff out the flickering light of freedom for ever. So why are radical gay groups helping homophobic guys with rifles and hard hearts (and a wicked sense of humour) get their message across? Let's leave for the moment that President Obama's speech was blandly middle of the road (Dr Sardonicus was surprised he didn't suggest cats would sleep with dogs and give birth to mice).
The answer is they lost. Or it feels to them that they did, them and the million people who marched against the Iraq war. Communism collapsed women won equal rights in employment and other areas and carried on pretty much doing what they'd done before, but on equal pay. The revoloution was over.
More on this in another blog. But in the mean time please remember your enemies enemy is not neccasairly your friend. He may well be a loony in a balaclava shouting at some to fetch an imaginary bike whilst he kicks them up the arse.
He may even be a flesh eating giant rabbit. Neither are much use in the fight for equal rights.
And that is they seem to have a rather wicked sense of humour.
David Hare in his latest essay on the wall (the 15 meter high Israeli one, Mr Hare seems fairly ambivalent about Pink Floyd's seminal album). He describes how their latest form of torture is to show the victim a drawing of a bicycle at the top of a flight of stairs. If said victim can go and fetch the bicycle they won't beat them savagely.
Bloody genius, it's the kind of torture Dr Sardonicus would invent. Postmodern and making the poor victim realise they're the victim of a Chris Morris style prank even as you womp them (could he be in Hamas has anyone seen him in a balaclava?)
But it goes further every one's heard of Farfour right? Hamas produced a TV program for kids in Gaza which stars Farfour. Farfour is a man in a rubbish Mickey Mouse costume with a squeaky voice who encourages eager young beavers to go out and be good citizens (kinda like Blue Peter but with suicide bombings instead of building Tracy Island), that is until the Mossad beat him to death. He was then replaced by a rabbit in funny trousers who declared he was going to eat the flesh of the Zionists. Remember this is a giant rabbit.
The ultimate punchline being good old Farfour, his brother the rabbit and another one which was a bee, were the kids of a rather ordinary elderly Palestinian couple. Now that is funny.
They never seemed to film the scene where Daddy Farfour said to Mummy Farfour,
"Darling one of our kids is a giant mouse, another a rabbit and the third is a talking bee are you an interspecies slapper?"
This is the kind of propaganda The League of Gentlemen would make.
So why is Dr Sardonicus musing upon the sense of Hamas?
Because this week The Red Rose a radical US gay rights group delivered their protest at Obama's speech to the White House. Can Dr Sardonicus say eh? Hamas kill gay people, Israel doesn't. Infact Israel's record on gay human rights is rather good.
Dr Sardonicus supposes that in the past terrible wars have driven oposing groups into each others arms. Communists, royalists, anarchists all fought Germany, heck even fascists towards the end. But Israel isn't Nazi Germany, it isn't occupying multiple countries at once and threatening to snuff out the flickering light of freedom for ever. So why are radical gay groups helping homophobic guys with rifles and hard hearts (and a wicked sense of humour) get their message across? Let's leave for the moment that President Obama's speech was blandly middle of the road (Dr Sardonicus was surprised he didn't suggest cats would sleep with dogs and give birth to mice).
The answer is they lost. Or it feels to them that they did, them and the million people who marched against the Iraq war. Communism collapsed women won equal rights in employment and other areas and carried on pretty much doing what they'd done before, but on equal pay. The revoloution was over.
More on this in another blog. But in the mean time please remember your enemies enemy is not neccasairly your friend. He may well be a loony in a balaclava shouting at some to fetch an imaginary bike whilst he kicks them up the arse.
He may even be a flesh eating giant rabbit. Neither are much use in the fight for equal rights.
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Some of Dr Sardonicus's writings.
Dr Sardonicus feels he should share some of his writings with you his loyal, loyal fans.
You may be a serial killer if...
You watch CSI like it's a DIY program.
You're disapointed by nudey porn becuase the skins still on.
The voice telling you to kill some one is only drowned out by
The voice telling you to kill everyone.
You've relaid your patio 5 times and isn't it time for a 6th?
You're a HGV driver.
When Sir Alan points at you on telly you know he's telling you to do bad things.
You smile when you see hitchhikers.
You're a dyslexic, obsessive topical sketch writer who works for social services.
You've got a porn video with the snare scene from Watership Down and the bit where Bambi's mum gets offed.
You're dog won't fucking shut up! It may be the voice of God but still you haven't slept in a week.
You've been kicked out of all the Hannibal Lecter films for shouting pussy and aamateur at the screen.
Drawn Apart
JILL IS ASLEEP AND PREGNANT TONY SITS BY HER SIDE ON THE BED.TONY STICKS HIS HAND UNDER THE DUVET AND PULLS OUT A CUSHION AND IS ABOUT TO PUSH A BIGGER ONE IN IT'S PLACE.JILL SITS UP (WITHOUT A BABY BUMP)
JILL
I bloody knew it you faked our pregnancy! But why Tony? It's horrible.
TONY
I just thought if you thought were pregnant you wouldn't leave me.
JILL
How long Tony? How long? We've been married for 15 years we've had 3 kids.
TONY
About that...haven't you ever wandered why Julian, Edgar and Winifred are always playing at the end of the garden?
JILLThey're healthy out doorsy kids. Oh you didn't you wouldn't, you couldn't could you?
JILL GOES TO THE WINDOW PULLS OPEN THE CURTAIN THERE ARE 3 CHILDREN CRUDELY PAINTED ON THE WINDOW.SHE RUBS ONE OF THE PAINTINGS.
JILL
You bastard they're painted on! Get out you liar! Mother said I'd end up with a man just like dad.
TONY
Fine I'm going. And I'm taking the cat! Mr Whiskers. Fine stay you ingrate.
WE SEE THE CAT IS DRAWN ON THE WALL.HE STORMS OUT.
JILL
Oh thank God I thought he'd never go, you can come up from the end of the garden Fabio.
SHE PULLS BACK THE OTHER CURTAIN TO REVEAL A CRUDE DRAWING OF FABIO ON THE WINDOW.
You may be a serial killer if...
You watch CSI like it's a DIY program.
You're disapointed by nudey porn becuase the skins still on.
The voice telling you to kill some one is only drowned out by
The voice telling you to kill everyone.
You've relaid your patio 5 times and isn't it time for a 6th?
You're a HGV driver.
When Sir Alan points at you on telly you know he's telling you to do bad things.
You smile when you see hitchhikers.
You're a dyslexic, obsessive topical sketch writer who works for social services.
You've got a porn video with the snare scene from Watership Down and the bit where Bambi's mum gets offed.
You're dog won't fucking shut up! It may be the voice of God but still you haven't slept in a week.
You've been kicked out of all the Hannibal Lecter films for shouting pussy and aamateur at the screen.
Drawn Apart
JILL IS ASLEEP AND PREGNANT TONY SITS BY HER SIDE ON THE BED.TONY STICKS HIS HAND UNDER THE DUVET AND PULLS OUT A CUSHION AND IS ABOUT TO PUSH A BIGGER ONE IN IT'S PLACE.JILL SITS UP (WITHOUT A BABY BUMP)
JILL
I bloody knew it you faked our pregnancy! But why Tony? It's horrible.
TONY
I just thought if you thought were pregnant you wouldn't leave me.
JILL
How long Tony? How long? We've been married for 15 years we've had 3 kids.
TONY
About that...haven't you ever wandered why Julian, Edgar and Winifred are always playing at the end of the garden?
JILLThey're healthy out doorsy kids. Oh you didn't you wouldn't, you couldn't could you?
JILL GOES TO THE WINDOW PULLS OPEN THE CURTAIN THERE ARE 3 CHILDREN CRUDELY PAINTED ON THE WINDOW.SHE RUBS ONE OF THE PAINTINGS.
JILL
You bastard they're painted on! Get out you liar! Mother said I'd end up with a man just like dad.
TONY
Fine I'm going. And I'm taking the cat! Mr Whiskers. Fine stay you ingrate.
WE SEE THE CAT IS DRAWN ON THE WALL.HE STORMS OUT.
JILL
Oh thank God I thought he'd never go, you can come up from the end of the garden Fabio.
SHE PULLS BACK THE OTHER CURTAIN TO REVEAL A CRUDE DRAWING OF FABIO ON THE WINDOW.
Monday, 1 June 2009
Dyslexia
And now for the world's most unsurprising confession.
Dr Sardonicus is dyslexic (as any of you eye spy chief's will have surmised as his f@@king adress for his blog is misspelled).
Or is he? Dr Sardonicus was tested for dyslexia after driving atleast one professor at Birmingham Uni into a breakdown of Susan Boyle proportions (though fortunately with out the lusting after Piers Morgan weirdness [a reason for a trip to the Priory for anyone {heck I'd lock him up for liking himself}]). The result was Dr Sardonicus has the spelling ability and word recogniton of HAL after he humped the OED. But the memory skills of a chimpanzee that had just had it's brain served up as a desert to Peter Andre.
Is this dylsexia? The very nice psychiatirst administering the test answer seemed to be
"Probably, or maybe not either way you're not right."
An accurate judgement and well worth the 500 squids of your taxes it cost. But it's always been there for Dr Sardonicus, whose greatest works of writings may be mildly amusing but would require Alan Turing and Bletchley Park to spell check (which Dr Sardonicu visited the other week and would highly reccomend especially the tour). Infact Dr Sardonicus at meetings and training has to conciously shut himself up. As the mismatch between his verbal skills and later work has convinced a great many people he surely must be taking the piss (if only). Rather like a parrot left in the room of Albert Einstein, it may sound great but if you hire it to build an atomic bomb all you're going to get is a very mess lab.
At one point Dr Sardonicu was pondering if his problems maybe on the Autistic Spectrum . At which point a slightly cheaper psychologist suggested that Dr Sardonicus could probably sufficently bull shit any test to convince people he was anything. Which raises the question,
How does Dr Sardonicus make psychologists et al feel so comfortable being blunt?
Frankly Freud would have probably said to him,
"It's not your mothers fault you're just a bit of an arse who should learn to spell."
Dr Sardonicus was thinking of joining a dyslexia support group, but who'd have been able to read their placards?
Dr Sardonicus is dyslexic (as any of you eye spy chief's will have surmised as his f@@king adress for his blog is misspelled).
Or is he? Dr Sardonicus was tested for dyslexia after driving atleast one professor at Birmingham Uni into a breakdown of Susan Boyle proportions (though fortunately with out the lusting after Piers Morgan weirdness [a reason for a trip to the Priory for anyone {heck I'd lock him up for liking himself}]). The result was Dr Sardonicus has the spelling ability and word recogniton of HAL after he humped the OED. But the memory skills of a chimpanzee that had just had it's brain served up as a desert to Peter Andre.
Is this dylsexia? The very nice psychiatirst administering the test answer seemed to be
"Probably, or maybe not either way you're not right."
An accurate judgement and well worth the 500 squids of your taxes it cost. But it's always been there for Dr Sardonicus, whose greatest works of writings may be mildly amusing but would require Alan Turing and Bletchley Park to spell check (which Dr Sardonicu visited the other week and would highly reccomend especially the tour). Infact Dr Sardonicus at meetings and training has to conciously shut himself up. As the mismatch between his verbal skills and later work has convinced a great many people he surely must be taking the piss (if only). Rather like a parrot left in the room of Albert Einstein, it may sound great but if you hire it to build an atomic bomb all you're going to get is a very mess lab.
At one point Dr Sardonicu was pondering if his problems maybe on the Autistic Spectrum . At which point a slightly cheaper psychologist suggested that Dr Sardonicus could probably sufficently bull shit any test to convince people he was anything. Which raises the question,
How does Dr Sardonicus make psychologists et al feel so comfortable being blunt?
Frankly Freud would have probably said to him,
"It's not your mothers fault you're just a bit of an arse who should learn to spell."
Dr Sardonicus was thinking of joining a dyslexia support group, but who'd have been able to read their placards?
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