SCENE1A CONFERENCE CENTRE AFTER A MASSACRE.THE WALLS ARE SPLATTERED WITH JAM, CUSTARD AND BLOOD.ONE HALF OF THE ROOM IS FULL OF REDNECKS WITH SMOKING GUNS COVERED IN JAM, CREAM AND CUSTARD.THE OTHER HALF OF THE ROOM LOOK LIFE CHEFS THEY ARE ALL DEAD WITH MULTIPLE GUNSHOT WOUNDS.
SCENE2
SOOTYJ IS EXPLAINING HIMSELF TO SEVERAL UNSYMPATHETIC LOOKING POLICE OFFICERS.
HE HAS TWO SIGNS
SIGN 1 "The national trifle association annual bunfight.
"SIGN 2"The national rifle association annual gunfight."
THE MANAGER OF DUDLEY ZOO IS TALKING TO LORD ALAN SUGAR WHO IS FLANKED BY NICK AND MARGARET
MANAGER
Sir Alan you're offer of a massive donation could save Dudley Zoo from closing...
ALAN
Oi mush I'm Lord Alan now.
MANAGER
Lord Alan.
ALAN
I'm still a sir you arse nugget.
MANAGER
Lord Sir Alan thank you for your most generous gift. How can we show our gratitude? A plaque? Maybe you want to feed the elephants?
ALAN
I want to beat a chimpanzee to death with a baseball bat.
MANAGER
I beg your pardon you want to beat one of our chimpanzees to death with a baseball bat?
ALAN
You bloody heard me the first time. I bloody well want to thank the dark gods who made me a lord with a blood sacrifice.
MANAGER
But I thought you were Jewish?
ALAN
Not anymore mush, I worship Quetzacoatal lord of the Sun. I'm so fucking grateful I haven't changed these ermine robes since I was enobled, I'm naked underneath, I stink don't I?MANAGER
Well I didn't want to say. I suppose it makes sense you are Sir Alan lord of industry development.
ALAN
Shut it! I wanted to sacrifice some chav orphan but Barnardos were bloody well having none of it, now where's that monkey?
MANAGER
Look chimpanzees are highly intelligent sapients, with complex social structures and...
MARGARET
They eat Collobus monkeys don't they? Doesn't sound very civilised.
NICK
And they masturbate infront of school children.
MANAGER
Ok so chimpanzees are not all that nice, but some one's going to notice ones missing. How about a marmoset?
ALAN
That's scarcely a replacement you muppet! All big eyes and fingers it's be like sacrificing Bjork.
NICK
I think it might even anger the vengeful God of the Sun you worship.MANAGERHang on I've got an idea! Could you kill the chimpanzee tomorrow?
MARGARET
That will be acceptable could you tie it up for us?
MANAGER
Of course.
SIR ALAN, NICK AND MARGARET LEAVE.MANAGER GETS ON PHONE
MANAGER
Yes is that Ronnie Corbett we do still want you to dress up as a chimpanzee for the video for the kiddies. Could you make it tomorrow?
Sunday, 20 December 2009
High Aspierations a lousy sitcom idea.
SARA AND TREVOR ARE IN A POLICE STATION
THEY ARE SAT IN A CELL POLICE OFFICERS BOB AND TRACY WATCH THEM SUSPICIOUSLY FROM BEHIND A DESK IN THE CELL BLOCK.
SARA(WHISPERING TO TREVOR)
I can’t believe you stole that card. It isn’t even anyone’s birthday.
TREVOR (NORMAL TONE)
Well Derrick said it would be ok. He said he bought his moped by holding up a Hallmark with a ....
SARA(WHISPERING)
Why do you believe someone who’s only working at the centre as part of community payback? It’s not exactly the GCSE of criminality.
TREVOR
He is very convincing.
BOB
Oi no whispering. Don’t make me put you in separate cells.
SARA(NORMAL TONE)
Thank goodness. How long are you going to hold us? You’ve seen Trevor’s ID card haven’t you?
TRACY
Would you like a prayer mat?
BOB
That I have (HOLDS UP A SMALL BLUE ID CARD AND READS FROM IT) I have Asperger’s.
SARA
Yes and that means...
BOB (CONTINUING)
And I’ve got some nice celery and chervil at home. Claiming you have a misspelled vegetable is no excuse for shoplifting.
TREVOR
It’s pronounced Asperger’s with a hard g, there’s no soft Gs in German.
SARA
Do you want a prayer mat?
TRACY
Aren’t you people supposed to do disability awareness training or something? And why does she keep offering me a prayer mat?
BOB
We do, do religious sensitivity training. But with budget cuts it was disability awareness or tazers.
TRACY
Look do you want a bloody prayer mat you sods? Or a damned kosher dinner?
TREVOR
Could I have a prayer mat please? These beds are really hard to sit on.
TRACY
You want to sit on a prayer mat? With your unclean buttocks? What are you some sort of racist?
BOB
Settle down constable. You really shouldn’t wind her up. They made Constable Tracy do religious sensitivity training three times and it left her a little bit funny.
SARA
Why did they make her do it 3 times?
BOB
Some one got a little truncheon happy on the million mum march didn’t they?
TRACY
Those Bugaboos are dangerous; they’re like armoured tanks loaded with babies.
TREVOR
My buttocks are very clean I have OCD.
SARA
Shut up Trevor this isn’t helping. And you don’t have OCD, you’ve got Asperger’s syndrome.
BOB
What is this Asperger’s you keep banging on about?
TREVOR
It’s a form of Autism acknowledged by the DCM in 1976...
BOB
Autism...ah like Rainman.
TRACY
Yeh but you don’t look anything like Dustin Hoffman you lying slag.
SARA(WHISPERING URGENTLY TO TREVOR)
That’s our way out of here Trevor. You’ve seen Rainman act like that guy in Rainman they’ll let us go.
TREVOR
But I’ve got Asperger’s. He had autism completely different condition.
SARA
Well exaggerate then.
TREVOR
But you did drama at university. You’re the actor.
TRACY
What are you two whispering about? I’m going to get my ruddy prayer mat, prepare to kneel...
BOB
No Tracy remember your sensitivity training!
SARA
One Minute to Wapner!
THEY ARE SAT IN A CELL POLICE OFFICERS BOB AND TRACY WATCH THEM SUSPICIOUSLY FROM BEHIND A DESK IN THE CELL BLOCK.
SARA(WHISPERING TO TREVOR)
I can’t believe you stole that card. It isn’t even anyone’s birthday.
TREVOR (NORMAL TONE)
Well Derrick said it would be ok. He said he bought his moped by holding up a Hallmark with a ....
SARA(WHISPERING)
Why do you believe someone who’s only working at the centre as part of community payback? It’s not exactly the GCSE of criminality.
TREVOR
He is very convincing.
BOB
Oi no whispering. Don’t make me put you in separate cells.
SARA(NORMAL TONE)
Thank goodness. How long are you going to hold us? You’ve seen Trevor’s ID card haven’t you?
TRACY
Would you like a prayer mat?
BOB
That I have (HOLDS UP A SMALL BLUE ID CARD AND READS FROM IT) I have Asperger’s.
SARA
Yes and that means...
BOB (CONTINUING)
And I’ve got some nice celery and chervil at home. Claiming you have a misspelled vegetable is no excuse for shoplifting.
TREVOR
It’s pronounced Asperger’s with a hard g, there’s no soft Gs in German.
SARA
Do you want a prayer mat?
TRACY
Aren’t you people supposed to do disability awareness training or something? And why does she keep offering me a prayer mat?
BOB
We do, do religious sensitivity training. But with budget cuts it was disability awareness or tazers.
TRACY
Look do you want a bloody prayer mat you sods? Or a damned kosher dinner?
TREVOR
Could I have a prayer mat please? These beds are really hard to sit on.
TRACY
You want to sit on a prayer mat? With your unclean buttocks? What are you some sort of racist?
BOB
Settle down constable. You really shouldn’t wind her up. They made Constable Tracy do religious sensitivity training three times and it left her a little bit funny.
SARA
Why did they make her do it 3 times?
BOB
Some one got a little truncheon happy on the million mum march didn’t they?
TRACY
Those Bugaboos are dangerous; they’re like armoured tanks loaded with babies.
TREVOR
My buttocks are very clean I have OCD.
SARA
Shut up Trevor this isn’t helping. And you don’t have OCD, you’ve got Asperger’s syndrome.
BOB
What is this Asperger’s you keep banging on about?
TREVOR
It’s a form of Autism acknowledged by the DCM in 1976...
BOB
Autism...ah like Rainman.
TRACY
Yeh but you don’t look anything like Dustin Hoffman you lying slag.
SARA(WHISPERING URGENTLY TO TREVOR)
That’s our way out of here Trevor. You’ve seen Rainman act like that guy in Rainman they’ll let us go.
TREVOR
But I’ve got Asperger’s. He had autism completely different condition.
SARA
Well exaggerate then.
TREVOR
But you did drama at university. You’re the actor.
TRACY
What are you two whispering about? I’m going to get my ruddy prayer mat, prepare to kneel...
BOB
No Tracy remember your sensitivity training!
SARA
One Minute to Wapner!
Saturday, 19 December 2009
Of elephant poo and politics.
There's an old tale about 4 blind wisemen who try to identify an elephant by feeling diferent parts of it. The one who grabs the leg thinks it a snake, the leg a tree, the one who grabbed it's dinkle probably just felt he was in a lot of trouble. What has this to do with why Dr Sardonicus may well be voting conservative?
Dr Sardonicus like one of those blind fellows is at the back of said metaphorical elephant. Well the Labour party is this elephant and everytime he yanks on it's tale said elephant craps on his head. After some time Sardonicus has got the point. It is an elephant's bottom not a candy machine.
The latest maloderous gift is the Independent Safeguarding Authority. If you have anything to do with children or vulnerable types you'll have come across this charming bunch by now. Basically to work in social care in any form you need their approval. In the old days you could get banned by a police check or an internal investigation. e.g. some one had to prove something about you. The ISA is a collection of unseen investigators who collect all information on what you "might have done" even if found innocent and if they think you're a wrong 'un they can bar you from working. Oh and they don't have to share this info with you (especially police info). George Orwell might have thought this abit rich. Albeit the ISA would probably quite happy sat next to The Ministery of Truth. Also the government is protecting the police from irate care assisstants? I thought they were the ones with the tazers, guns and pointy hats?
A simpler solution and a more democratic one would be to penalise organisations that fail to carry out proper internal investigations. But that wouldn't be so much fun would it?
It gets worse. The ISA had a motherf**king road show to explain their good works. Yes a road show like Andi Peters fronting for the Stasi. They went around the country pointing out how the ISA will sort the naughty from the nice. Like Santa Clause with a red sack full of grenades and a midlife crisis.
Dr Sardonicus glumly sat through ISA training. Where the greatest sin seemed to be talking to your colleagues or being concerend. Grass quick, grass always never ever trust anyone. The maddening thing is the research on child abuse seems to indicate that helping people to come clean and be supported is the only solution.
Not that this seems to work for Snow Brown and his 7 intellectual dwarves. Sleazy, creepy, dopey, randy, invadey, nosey and Jack Straw.
Dr Sardonicus is sick of a government that it's not even worth ridiculing. The individulisation agenda in care that puts organisations that used to be allies at each others throats. The endless spying, the casual contempt for human rights, the locking up of families in Yarlswood 'cos that seems the easiest way to silence the Redtops.
Dr Sardonicus is going to stop pulling that tale. Because as a nation we can only take so much crap. He kinda hopes DaveyC will at least be contempt evil.
Dr Sardonicus like one of those blind fellows is at the back of said metaphorical elephant. Well the Labour party is this elephant and everytime he yanks on it's tale said elephant craps on his head. After some time Sardonicus has got the point. It is an elephant's bottom not a candy machine.
The latest maloderous gift is the Independent Safeguarding Authority. If you have anything to do with children or vulnerable types you'll have come across this charming bunch by now. Basically to work in social care in any form you need their approval. In the old days you could get banned by a police check or an internal investigation. e.g. some one had to prove something about you. The ISA is a collection of unseen investigators who collect all information on what you "might have done" even if found innocent and if they think you're a wrong 'un they can bar you from working. Oh and they don't have to share this info with you (especially police info). George Orwell might have thought this abit rich. Albeit the ISA would probably quite happy sat next to The Ministery of Truth. Also the government is protecting the police from irate care assisstants? I thought they were the ones with the tazers, guns and pointy hats?
A simpler solution and a more democratic one would be to penalise organisations that fail to carry out proper internal investigations. But that wouldn't be so much fun would it?
It gets worse. The ISA had a motherf**king road show to explain their good works. Yes a road show like Andi Peters fronting for the Stasi. They went around the country pointing out how the ISA will sort the naughty from the nice. Like Santa Clause with a red sack full of grenades and a midlife crisis.
Dr Sardonicus glumly sat through ISA training. Where the greatest sin seemed to be talking to your colleagues or being concerend. Grass quick, grass always never ever trust anyone. The maddening thing is the research on child abuse seems to indicate that helping people to come clean and be supported is the only solution.
Not that this seems to work for Snow Brown and his 7 intellectual dwarves. Sleazy, creepy, dopey, randy, invadey, nosey and Jack Straw.
Dr Sardonicus is sick of a government that it's not even worth ridiculing. The individulisation agenda in care that puts organisations that used to be allies at each others throats. The endless spying, the casual contempt for human rights, the locking up of families in Yarlswood 'cos that seems the easiest way to silence the Redtops.
Dr Sardonicus is going to stop pulling that tale. Because as a nation we can only take so much crap. He kinda hopes DaveyC will at least be contempt evil.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
More good news.
Dr Sardonicus has been trawling the news for good news and ...has found some!
1 2 Islamic fundamentalists were eaten by a bear in whose cave they were hiding. Booyaka Shah! Take that you Godless religious fundamentalists. Yogi's servin' up pickanic baskets of justice. Now hurry up Obama get down to Washington Zoo and release all the bears from their cages none of them have had fair trials (well apart from Paddington who I believe was smuggling cocaine from darkest Peru). And lets start arresting and waterboarding the cows. They're farts are destroying the polar bear's environment. Remember in the War of Error there is only one enemy and that enemy is common sense.
2 Gordon Brown spent a night sleeping with the British Army in the desert. Crikey that looks so rude I won't edit it. Mind you the Lying Scotsman is so desperate I reckon he would offer his saggy arse to anyone for a vote or 2.
I do like the idea of him spending a night under canvas like a Billy no Mates on a camping trip. Crying softly because Dave Cameron got invited to smoke fags with the hard lads in the SAS's tent.
I do hope somewhere out there is footage of a press conference given by Gordon. His eyebrows shaved off, "I am gay" written on his forehead in permanent ink, in his Yfronts after some of the bigger lads stucks his trousers up a tree. Oddly I think it might make him look more dignified than constantly failing to tax outrageous city bonuses.
3 Boris Johnson scared a bunch of violent school girls away by calling them Oiks. Hoorah! Unlike Gotham we made our brave vigilante mayor. I propose a Boris Bike like an enviromentally friendly Batmobile, a Boris Signal and perhaps Dave Cameron as Bobbins (like Robin but rubbish). And I hate to say it but for once he has stolen a lead on my fave Red Ken.
Who only managed to beat people up at parties and insult the occaisonal Jew.
1 2 Islamic fundamentalists were eaten by a bear in whose cave they were hiding. Booyaka Shah! Take that you Godless religious fundamentalists. Yogi's servin' up pickanic baskets of justice. Now hurry up Obama get down to Washington Zoo and release all the bears from their cages none of them have had fair trials (well apart from Paddington who I believe was smuggling cocaine from darkest Peru). And lets start arresting and waterboarding the cows. They're farts are destroying the polar bear's environment. Remember in the War of Error there is only one enemy and that enemy is common sense.
2 Gordon Brown spent a night sleeping with the British Army in the desert. Crikey that looks so rude I won't edit it. Mind you the Lying Scotsman is so desperate I reckon he would offer his saggy arse to anyone for a vote or 2.
I do like the idea of him spending a night under canvas like a Billy no Mates on a camping trip. Crying softly because Dave Cameron got invited to smoke fags with the hard lads in the SAS's tent.
I do hope somewhere out there is footage of a press conference given by Gordon. His eyebrows shaved off, "I am gay" written on his forehead in permanent ink, in his Yfronts after some of the bigger lads stucks his trousers up a tree. Oddly I think it might make him look more dignified than constantly failing to tax outrageous city bonuses.
3 Boris Johnson scared a bunch of violent school girls away by calling them Oiks. Hoorah! Unlike Gotham we made our brave vigilante mayor. I propose a Boris Bike like an enviromentally friendly Batmobile, a Boris Signal and perhaps Dave Cameron as Bobbins (like Robin but rubbish). And I hate to say it but for once he has stolen a lead on my fave Red Ken.
Who only managed to beat people up at parties and insult the occaisonal Jew.
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